Half The Deen

Update and Contacting Me

2012-01-12T05:05:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has been having a great start to their new year. May Allah guide us to finding a righteous spouse. Ameen.

The search has been slow. I did come across one brother who seemed nice however location was an issue for him so we didn't actually speak unfortunately. I have planned to put aside 30 - 60 mins every day to work on finding someone since I've been very laid back about it. Let's see how this goes. I also need to cut down on my distractions and figure out my other goals in life and hopefully it'll only aid me in finding the one (that sounds cheesy). These aren't new year's resolutions but things I need to address right now.

Every now and then someone tries to contact me via my blog. Since my comments are private and need approval, please do leave your email address and inshallah I'll get back to you asap. Also, if you leave your email, do let me know if you wish to leave your comment as private/deleted. I do not post my own email because of spam and due to the nature of my blog, I would rather not have people unnecessarily emailing me.

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you (you know who you are) but it's because I did not really know how to get in touch.

Distraction

2011-11-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

Eid Mubarak to my dear blog readers! I'm actually shocked at the number of people following my blog. I find it embarrassing even.

Lately, I've developed a distraction so I spend even less time searching for a soul mate than I actually want to or planned to. I actually didn't think it would be this difficult a process. But perhaps if it was this easy I would have shut down my blog months ago. The hardest thing is liking someone and them liking you back. And then your parents being happy with it. Parents are meant to be your guide and make sure you make the right choice but sometimes they just make it harder by adding in their own criteria. So right now the distraction helps me forget these issues. This is going to take a while.

Stuck

2011-09-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

A while back I started communicating with a brother. Everything seemed fine but I just didn't feel excited over it. I can't really explain why. At times I felt like it seemed too good to be true which should normally make one happy but I didn't feel it. It's normal for me to not get attached to any of the people I speak to. Nor do I usually get upset over things not working out. At least it doesn't overwhelm me. And I like it that way.

With this brother, I felt we should get to know each other a little bit first before involving pictures and base my reaction and desire to move ahead on his personality and if there's any connection. I was starting to sound pessimistic in my head without any real reason and I was beginning to wonder if those are just fears. After discussing some of the things that are important to me, I decided to move ahead and exchange pictures. Now here's the problem, I'm not attracted to him. Further more things he said initially that he was flexible about are sounding more rigid and the opposite of what I'm looking for. So I'm beginning to wonder if he just wanted to appear flexible to make a good impression but in fact we really want different things.

I've prayed istikhara and a friend mentioned that perhaps my feelings are the answer to my istikhara. On one hand I'd feel guilty if I reject him purely for the attraction factor. Or we may not actually be right for each other. Do I pursue it further or do I cut it short early?

It's unlike me to seek suggestions on my blog but I also have other things on my mind so I may not be making the best decision on my own. Will keep everyone updated.

Belated Eid Mubarak!

2011-09-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

Belated Eid mubarak to everyone! Hope you all had a good Ramadan too. Alhumdulillah, mine was really good. I managed to get more things done than I had planned, deen wise. I had put almost everything else on hold. Last year, the case was completely the opposite. I was completely swamped and felt like I missed out. But so far this yr has been going really well. And I pray the case is the same for you all.

Well, that explains my absence last month. This month I had a minor health issue so I was a little preoccupied with that. Alhumdulillah, nothing serious.

I have a blog post developing in my mind since last night. Only problem is my thoughts move faster than I can type and by the time I get them down, they don't flow as well. However, since it's something I need advice on, the post should be up soon. Does this post pique your curiosity? I hope so. :D

Amazed!

2011-07-20T00:27:00.001-07:00

I'm quite amazed that even though I took a rather long break from my blog, I'm still getting comments. It's so nice to hear people can relate to what you are going through. Makes you feel that you aren't alone.

One of the reasons I took a break from blogging was because I had no real insight to share on the marriage front. I can't constantly be on the hunt because of the kind of proposals I was getting were starting to annoy me. I used to make a habit of responding to every person even if I was going to reject them because I would want to know if someone is interested in me or not. But after a while even rejecting people becomes frustrating.

Since I'm here, I might as well answer the questions I got via comments. Firstly as salaamualaikum/walaikumas salaam to all!

The Good Daughter - mashaAllah! That's great. I think a few pictures initially should be enough to determine if you find a person attractive or not so it's great that your fiance didn't require a lot of pictures. And as for the chat, it never happened so alhumdulillah. :) I've even forgotten who I was speaking about. lol.

Patricia - Agreed. Looks shouldn't be the priority. Looks fade so I find it strange if the only thing a man mentions is that he thinks I look good and is satisfied with that to marry me. And yes, I find it really uncomfortable when a guy becomes casual and starts referring to me as dear, love, etc. It might nromal for him to speak that way to other girls as well. To me that's a problem with boundaries. Terms of endearment are fine after marriage or with family, not every member of the opposite gender that you may get married to. But that's just my take on it.

hijabi.sailoress - good tip. ;)

Anon 1 - how do I handle rejections? Well, since I don't get attached to any of my "suitors" (taking someone's suggestion :D) I don't get offended by them rejecting me. Well, you feel bad for a bit. But then you move on. You can't be completely detached so it's okay to feel upset. Just don't let it get to you to the extent that you feel miserable about it. When its meant to happen, it will.

Anon 2 - lol, that is an odd request for advice since I'm still single. If there is no mosque near you to get to know people and form connections, then I'd suggest looking online. But beware of certain "islamic" websites. I'd go for the popular ones like singlemuslim.com or halfourdeen.com (latter is a decent priced option). But there's nothing and no one who can assure you that you'd find your mate. You have to speak to a lot of people and inshallah you'll find her. If you do go the online route, make sure you fill a decent amount of info in the sections about you and who you are looking for. Blank profiles don't really help.

Soulseek - same old. But thanks for the advice. :) It's always great to hear a male perspective.

Anon 3 - or he's chatting with a bunch of girls at a time so he's deciding who he likes best while to talks to a bunch of them. Just a thought but not necessarily the case.

CATGIRL - suitors it is. lol. I am not sure what you mean about teachers, please elaborate?

I can't promise that I'm back. I've been busy with other stuff I've taken up. Plus Ramadan is just around the corner but I'll try to keep posting updates. Keep me in your duas. :)

Confusion

2011-04-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

Last month I started to communicate with a brother who seemed quite interested in me. He seemed fine but I didn't seem to be getting actual answers from him when I was trying to get to know him. His responses were quite general and short. It didn't really feel normal. Then he wanted to jump from mails to messengers and I wasn't sure if he's really serious. I decided to take a chance and give it to him anyway hoping the faster communication will help. And now he has disappeared. I found that a little funny. Perhaps he got too impatient even though I had a genuine reason for a delay in responding.

In the mean time, another brother got in touch with me (he requested my email) and he also seemed quite interested but I think my questions have scared him because he hasn't answered any. They were even scary questions. lol. I'm not sure how people get to know each other if they don't ask or expect to get asked questions? We had some small talk in between and I went with it because I wanted him to feel at ease while communicating with me. Now he wants see more pictures of me. I guess men make majority of their decisions based on looks. But all I want to know is if we are even compatible.

This process is getting weirder day by day. lol.

Cheesy Conversations

2011-03-11T03:42:00.000-08:00

It's hard to take men seriously when they say cheesy things in their messages. Sometimes it's annoying and other times it makes me laugh at them. I know this sounds bad but imagine a guy calling a girl "princess" or a girl calling a guy "hunk" during a serious communication about marriage. It's sounds so silly and weird and unnecessary. And it makes you wonder if these people are even serious or is this something they say to every person they speak to. Is it their ice breaker because they have nothing relevant to speak of and have no idea what they are looking for?

I've been contacted by such people for a while now but sometimes people just go over the top and this one particular person just landed straight into dreamland. His message to me was just so damn cheesy, I can't consider him as a serious potential anymore. I don't even know how to respond. It's so ridiculous. I'm stumped.

Considering Someone Younger

2011-03-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

Islamically, there's nothing wrong with the husband being younger since Prophet Muhammad (saw) and Khadija (ra) had an amazing marriage together irrespective of their age but they were both amazing people themselves. Extremely mature and level headed.

Recently I started speaking to a brother and we haven't had many conversations or a proper one for that matter but it's only yesterday that I realized that he's younger to me. It puts our conversations into perspective since realizing this fact. I don't think I've made the best impression myself because I felt he was too laid back and I'm getting the feeling he's not really interested even though he initiated the communication. Maybe I'm reading it wrong and he feels it's better to not be too formal. I'm still a little unsure of the right balance. Being formal just seems the safer route for me. Plus it translates your seriousness in the matter.

For now, I'm considering to judge him based on his personality and see if we can be compatible or if he's truly not serious about marriage.

And That Is That

2011-01-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

I can't say it turned out negative. I'm a little confused on what to make of it. But perhaps more than me the brother is confused and perhaps a little apprehensive about marriage or it's discussion with just anyone. I can understand that because I'm beginning to realize, not everyone can be sensitive about the issue. Not even people you call friends or those you consider mature. They start arguing to you about right and wrong instead of trying to understand your dilemma.

Khair, on to other prospects. :)

Non-Religious Professionals

2011-01-13T03:28:00.000-08:00

While going through a bunch of online profiles of professionals in the same field as me as well as other fields, I was surprised to find how many of them don't pray salah on a regular basis. It's disappointing.

Sunan at-Tirmidhi (Jami-al-Tirmidhi) Chapter No: 1, Taharah (Purification)
Hadith no: 4
Narrated: Jabir bin Abdullah
narrated that Allah's Messenger (SAW) said,"They key to paradise is the salah and the key to the salah is ablution." [Ahmed14668]

Is it necessary to compromise your deen in order to have a great career? Or to even do well in it? Or it just the way the world works now? A dedicated worker cannot be a family man/woman, actively working on their imaan and leading a healthy lifestyle? If we have to give up one thing to accommodate another, I have to wonder who made up these rules in the first place.

Waiting...

2011-01-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

As an update, I asked another brother to mediate and see if he can get the feel of how the brother feels about marriage and if he would consider communication. As luck would have it, they haven't had a chance to speak as yet so I'm still waiting. I don't want things to be rushed yet I'd rather I know asap if it's a no.

I've tried praying istikhara and I have been having completely mixed feelings. Sometimes, I felt it shouldn't be pursued. Other times, I felt I should consider it. So, I guess these are just my personal feelings and if it's meant to be, I'll find out when the brother decides whether he wants to proceed to discussions or not. At the moment, I feel very neutral about it.

Khair, inshaAllah.

Do Opposites Attract?

2011-01-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

I think it's about time I had a post regarding my search. :P Here goes nothing!

I've been thinking of contacting a brother for a few days now but for several reasons, I've decided against it. One of the reasons is that I feel we are very different. He's definitely more religious than I am which makes me wonder if he'd consider marrying someone who hasn't reached his level of religiousness. Also, his interests seem to be extremely different from mine. There have been very few conversations that we've had (always in a group) and most of the time I have had very little input to offer on the matter because I do not generally enjoy reading/discussing about such topics in great detail. We definitely have different tastes in literature. And as far as I know, Islam may very well be the only thing common between us.

Pretty much the only reason I am even considering him is because he seems to have a very good nature. I've never heard him put down anyone or insult anyone. He definitely has a good sense of humor which he rarely shows but it's always good to know one isn't a completely serious lifeless person. :P

There are a lot of good reasons I can think of why this may not even work out but my friends insist that I should definitely consider at least letting him know of my interest. I suppose you develop an interest in what interests your spouse but I think two people should be able to talk to someone about things they love. I'm just not sure if opposites can truly attract one another.

Pleasant Surprise

2011-01-09T07:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year folks and all that. :D It's been a while that I had logged in and decided to make a post. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that people are still reading and commenting on my blog. It's going to take a while for me to go through them and approve them.

I know I've been on a long break but I had also taken a break from the marriage search. Inshallah, I'm back and will share details of my journey as and when possible. :)

Some of the comments, I've read and decided I should post a reply without publishing them for the sake of the poster.

1. In response to matrimonial sites charging money (you know who you are) - unfortunately there are very few sites that will not charge money while providing you a decent service. It obviously takes money, time, effort to run a site. Hosting profiles, people accessing them requires bandwidth which costs money. Plus, providing the users support or other features which requires a tech team along with designing the site so that it's user friendly. It all costs money. I think in that sense Baba Ali's site should be the best. He's upfront about his charges. It's specifically for Muslims. He's reasonable and mashaAllah a very decent and humble brother. I think it's okay to pay money when joining matrimonial sites but yes, if it's an Islamic site, then you should try to make sure that they are not a dating site & people you contact are willing to communicate within the boundaries of Islam. My only reason for not publishing your comment is because you seemed a little annoyed at the time so you may not generally use the same choice of words otherwise. Yet, I wanted to respond to you. I think your concern is a good one.

2. To anonymous wondering about practicing/studying medicine while being married - I think it depends on you as a person. Marriage is a responsibility in of itself. I believe it's difficult to juggle marriage and studies. And even practicing medicine means you are in for a very busy initial phase which requires an extremely understanding partner. I think the best way to go about it is to speak to married dr.s. Preferably, I would delay marriage until you complete your studies since you are still quite young. Or some prefer to have a nikah but not a walima until they complete but that too is difficult since medicine is a very long course. Pray istikhara, speak at length to dr.s, your prospective spouse and your parents. Maybe even start medicine first, see how hectic your schedule is before you make a final decision. Either way, I wish you luck. Since you had shared your email, for your safety, I haven't approved the comment.

If there was a way to edit comments, it would make things a lot easier. Anyone know how?

Blogging Break

2010-10-20T06:35:00.001-07:00

I know I've been away for a while now. I had a post written up in Ramadan but I decided to wait a while before posting it and now I do not feel the need for posting it at all.

Alhumdulillah Ramadan went well and so did Eid. My family and I decided to go on a road trip which was really enjoyable. Off late I've been going through some things which I've decided I need to take a little time off from blogging & other things to sort out. I would appreciate you all keeping me in your duas.

Jazakallah khair. :)

Best Time Of The Year

2010-08-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Original uploader.

Alhumdulillah, Ramadan is upon us and there is no better time than now to make duas and ask for a wonderful spouse and a happy marriage.

So, Ramadan Mubarak folks. Make the best use of your time and I pray that Allah accept our duas and our fasts, keep our hearts filled with His remembrance and beautify our actions during this holy month. Ameen.

Oh and just to add, Baba Ali's Half Our Deen finally went online last month.

Blogging Break

2010-07-03T06:24:00.001-07:00

I wanted to make a couple of posts before I went on a break but I won't be able to. InshaAllah I'll be back in August.

Keep me in your duas. And if your comments are not getting published, it's because I didn't get a chance to do so. I'll try to be back as soon as possible.

Take care. :)

Facebook Friend Request

2010-06-25T03:19:00.000-07:00

A lot of times when getting to know each other, people exchange emails, phone numbers, wali information, etc. But a few decide to send add requests on facebook.

I'm really not sure what to make of it. I usually dislike adding people I don't know even if it is someone I am communicating with for marriage. I'd rather not jump to being facebook friends. Yes, you can check out each other's friends and view photos they've uploaded and read through profile comments but isn't it better to get to know each other by actually communicating rather than spying on what they've been upto? Facebook is just too impersonal. People have the randomest conversations on it and many use it as a way to seem more popular. Much like twitter. Not saying these sites don't have their benefits. I'm just talking about people on average.

I just find it weird when someone initiates communication and sends me a link to their facebook page simultaneously. Not the way I'd like to go about it. Only my fiance/husband is getting on that or people I trust. Not every brother I communicate with. But that's my perspective. Opinions?

Choosing A Matrimonial Site

2010-05-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

Until recently, I never realized how many kinds of match making sites exist that cater to Muslims. However, on careful inspection some sites are not so "Islamic" than they appear to be. Some feature the words "halal dating" or "Muslim dating" which makes me feel very weird about the site considering they are oxymorons and proper Muslim owners be aware of that. Or at least those wanting to genuinely bring two people together for marriage wouldn't call their site a dating website just to attract attention.

So how do we go about picking a site that is the best for us? Here's my take on it:

1. Know yourself - This means that you have to understand your needs and what you are looking for. If you are a religious person who would prefer to be matched with like-minded sisters/brothers then perhaps shaadi.com is not the most ideal place. Although, it doesn't mean that you won't find such a sister/brother there but it simply means the chances are less likely. However, some of us are still building our imaan and perhaps we don't feel we are quite there yet and finding a site with extremely deeny people might feel intimidating, then definitely go for shaadi.com and the like. The only reason I'm mentioning shaadi.com is because there isn't a heavy focus on religion (or the Islamic perspective) because it caters to a variety of people.

2. Budget - Not everyone who starts out on a website has the budget to start off as being a paid member. Most at least would like to try a site and have a look around before they decide to pay. It's a good idea to compare sites and see what the prices are like. Paid sites are usually better managed than free sites so you have more chances of having the staff get back to you when you have a problem. But most paid websites also allow you to be a member for free to test the site before you can make the leap into paid memberships. If this is not the case then it's a good idea to ask people who have experience with the service or contact the people in charge directly and ask if your money would be reimbursed if you aren't happy with their services.

3. Security/Safety - This is extremely important especially since many of us will be sharing a great amounts of personal detail such as name, location, photos, phone number, etc. How the site uses this information and how it makes it available to other members is extremely important. How much control does one have over these is also important. It's a good idea to be cautious when sharing these details over the net. Regarding phone numbers, it's usually safer to give the number of your wali to drive away time wasters and players. Some sites watermark photographs & prevent right clicking in order to protect them from being downloaded even though someone can always download a picture if that's really their intention. Further protection is when you can choose who sees your photograph. It's always best to have a decent picture that you would not be ashamed off to show your family and relatives. Get the pictures approved through your family. Your picture is a reflection of you and the kind of image you'd like to portray.

4. Ease of use/features - A lot of sites provide all kinds of features. It's important to assess what kind of service you will be getting, especially if it's something you are paying for. Are the features too complicated or the site takes too long to load or you end up having too many technical difficulties? It may not be the site for you because you'd just end up frustrated. Most important is the ease of communicating with other members. Free sites may allow the ability to communicate with other members free of charge or they may require one or both parties be paid members. If both parties are required to pay then it might be frustrating to communicate with members. An important feature is also a way to block members from contacting you. This may not seem like an important feature but it can be frustrating when you are constantly receiving messages from people who don't seem to get the hint or have become threatening for whatever reason. Does the site owner take any responsibility in these cases or is the site popularity more important? Another thing to assess is if you will be able to get the kind of information you require when looking at a member's profile. This can be things like whether a person gives importance to religion, salah, halal food, etc.

5. Members - It's important to have an idea about the people using the services and who you will be communicating with. You can do so by using the search feature of the site and see if you like the kind of people on the site. Especially if you'd like to communicate with them. Joining and paying for a site where you don't see eye to eye with anyone doesn't make a lot of sense. However, there are a few sites that do not allow access to the members or search feature unless you join. This has it's advantages and disadvantages. The advantages being players will most likely not join, especially if it's a paid site because they aren't actually serious about the process. The disadvantages are you can't really see what kind of information or service you'll be getting nor if they have people you'd be interested in contacting. However, if the site is well known and/or not a new site then this would be a good risk to take.

The combination of the above can really help you make a good decision to what site is best for you. But you can always join more than one site and compare features. It also opens up more doors to finding the person you are looking for. If you'd like to add any other things do share them with me. :)

Marriage Websites & Events

2010-05-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Just a list of match making sites I know of in no specific order. Share if you know more.

1. http://www.shaadi.com
Very popular among Desis but because it's for different religions, the profile is not very specific for Muslims.

2. http://www.jeevansaathi.com
Similar to shaadi.com but perhaps less well known.

3. http://www.eharmony.com
This site seems unique because they try to match people based on various factors and answers to questions. It has many Muslims on it apparently.

4. http://www.singlemuslim.com
Specifically for Muslims. Free membership for women. Seems to be a really nice site.

5. http://www.muslimintro.com
Completely free for both genders. Has a simple layout.

6. http://www.isnamatrimonials.net/Matrimonial/
Service provided by ISNA.

7. http://www.muslimwedding.org/

8. http://www.muslimmatrimony.com/

9. http://www.qiran.com/

10. http://www.zawaj.com/

11. http://www.themuslimmatrimonial.co.uk/Muslim-Matrimonial/USA/

12. http://www.imuslimmarriage.com/
New site so membership for all is free.

13. http://www.kamranabegevents.com/

14. http://www.halfourdeen.com/
A site by Baba Ali. Planned launch in 2010 so something to look forward to.

15. http://www.baitulnikah.com/
A site where all the information about a member is posted as a video. Interesting idea. What I disliked about the website is the owner never responded to my queries and that tells me they don't have a good service. But it might appeal to others.

There are a few others which I haven't mentioned because I feel they aren't very good sites either because of poor management or just have a bad reputation. If there are sites or services that you know of that have helped you, do mention them.

Networking

2010-04-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty much everyone has heard of the phrase, "A friend in need is a friend indeed". You really get to know who your friends are when you ask them for help and they back out or make excuses. I generally don't go around testing my friends because I have a tendency to trust people easily, unless I get a bad vibe from them.

So from the last month or so I had been trying networking and a lot of people surprised me. Some in a good way, some not so good. Let's start with the good. I truly believe it's easier to help out a stranger than a person you know. We pretty much see it everywhere. People give in charity but don't spend on their own families. People smile at strangers while they wont talk to their parents. You get the picture. So I contacted a few sisters who I really didn't know too well and they were so sweet in helping me out and keeping their eyes open for me and even getting me in touch with a few brothers. MashaAllah. May Allah (swt) reward them for that! Ameen.

Then there were a few people who I know who are married sisters who didn't even bother trying. One of them I've helped quite a bit but when it came to me asking her to see if her husband has any single friends, she never got back to me. Every time I brought up the subject, she gave me some excuse. It shows the importance of keeping good company. Friends are great to talk to but they aren't necessarily good friends because when the time comes, they wouldn't really think of benefiting you in the process.

Khair, I think networking is a really good idea. People who are considering marriage should try to contact couples with marriages you'd like to have because "birds of a feather flock together"! Yes, I'm full of phrases and sayings today. :P So, they may know of someone who you are looking for. Get back to them regularly and ask for updates. You may never know until you try.

If there are any happily married sisters or brothers reading this, then please try to help out your single Muslim brothers and sisters as well. They may end up making dua for you every night and be the reason for forgiveness of your sins.

Marriage Related Events & Topics

2010-04-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

I know I've been MIA (Missing In Action) but I've been extremely busy. My time table is jam packed with so many things not to mention, the amount of things I have on my mind.

But this is not the end of this blog yet. :P

For now, I'm just going to share with you guys a few things related to the marriage topic:

1. Shaikh Yasir Qadi is starting an email course on the topic of intimacy in marriage:

http://www.LikeAGarment.com

It's for both sisters as well as brothers.

2. An article by a lifecoach on 3 Simple Steps To A Better Marriage:

http://areweprepared.ca/post/2010/04/04/The-APT-Approach-3-Simple-Steps-to-a-Better-Marriage.aspx

3. Practimate will be starting a second round of class called "Find Your Mr. Right". You can get on the priority list by clicking here:

http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight/closed.php

4. For brothers, I believe there is a class/program. For now, check out the blog:

http://www.practimate.com/Brothers/Blog/

I have to say the comments on the blog are very interesting. It's always nice to get the perspective of the other gender and see things through their eyes.

Simple Mistakes

2010-03-09T01:33:00.001-08:00

As salaam walaikum everyone,

Sorry for the delay. Wanted to post this a while back but I didn't get time to finish writing it up.

I had recently heard about common mistakes people tend to make in their marriage profiles and decided to share some of that with you all. Generally, a good rule to follow is, if you dislike something in someone's profile, don't put it in yours. And similarly, if you like someone's profile/marriage resume, try to use a similar theme without copying it word for word. It has to be something that you can relate with and for it to be more personal, it should be in YOUR words.

So here goes:
1. Do NOT start with phrases like, "I don't know how to describe myself but..." or "It's hard to write about yourself but...". Sound confident and use this section wisely and to your benefit. The way you describe yourself is what's going to make someone read or skip over your profile to the next one.

2. Do NOT use too many negative statements like, "I hate when..." or "I DONT want the following...". It's a turn off. Concentrate on what you DO want.

3. When writing about yourself, do just that! Write about YOURself not the person you are looking for because this section is about who you are and what the person reading your profile will get if they marry you.

4. Writing more about what you want more than who you are and what you can give. AT THE LEAST, make the 2 sections equal in length. If you are asking for a lot, also share what you are willing to give.

5. Bad grammar, wrong spellings, extremely long sentences without punctuations, etc, all turn off people from reading your profile. If you are serious about marriage and want someone to like you, PUT AN EFFORT into your profile. And always proof-read or ask someone to do it on your behalf.

6. Writing extremely lengthy profiles and putting TOO MUCH information. You are not writing a book. Summarize if your profile is getting too long or people will skip your profile half way.

InshaAllah, these tips are good to get your started. :)

Reflections

2010-02-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

When one is looking to get married, it's so easy to get lost into thoughts about what we want and what we do not. But it is also extremely essential that we think about what we can give to our other half, our better half, and try to start improving ourselves even before we find them. This way when we do find them, we are ready to give our best to the marriage.

For a while now, I've been reading articles, listening to webinars/seminars and Islamic books on marriage. Sometimes, things take a while to sink in and other times they sink in but take a while to be accepted and put into action. So, I've decided to put a conscious effort into making changes to be a better person, a better Muslim and inshaAllah, a better future wife. :)

And Valentine's day is here! Nope, I do not celebrate, but I thought it's a perfect topic for the supposed "season of love" or rather a season for a boom in businesses selling all things red, gold and diamond. :P

Shocking

2010-02-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

I was reading some comments on a website of girls and their experience in spouse hunting. One had written about asking questions, among which you don't simply ask if they've been with girls, but you also ask about guys. She said she's saying this based on her own experience. And it was shocking!

Generally, I don't delve into such details of the past but she really worried me. The last thing a guy who has homosexual feelings and relationships should do is consider marrying a girl to rid himself of those feelings. It's not something that having a wife can fix. Neither is it fair to the wife nor himself.

I have known situations where guys who claimed to be homosexual ended up being forced to marry a "beautiful" girl to "fix" him. But it never came to mind when searching for a spouse for myself until now. May Allah (swt) save us from such situations when looking for honest and good Muslim spouses to fulfill half their deen. Ameen.

Comments

2010-02-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

As salaam walaikum,

For some reason I didn't get an email notification of a couple of comments but noticed they required moderation on the blog site. Generally I publish all comments unless they are meant to be read only by me or they are unrelated to any of the content on my blog. Alhumdulillah, so far I haven't got any rude comments which is great because it's a tough world to please and people don't always agree with what you say or do.

There are a few pros and cons to keeping comments moderated versus unmoderated. The cons specifically are that I don't always get to read and publish comments the same day and because of that most of you don't get to interact and respond to each others thoughts.

InshaAllah, I'll try to be quicker especially when I have made a new post. Do let me know if I have accidentally missed publishing your comments.

Religious But Not So Educated

2010-02-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

When a parent looks for a spouse for their child, they expect to find one who is well educated (if the family is Desi that means Doctor, Engineer and such). Most guys looking to get married also look for a girl who is educated. What about those who are religious but have only studied till high school?

Girls can get away with a low level education to some extent as they'll simply get married and run the household. For guys, especially in this day and age, it can be extremely hard because they are the breadwinners and parents translate education into a secure and happy married life. They aren't completely wrong. So many family problems arise because of the issue of money. It's not unreasonable to think that a man with a good job will be able to take better care of his family than one who is just getting by. It feels unfair to the guys who are good Muslims though.

Lies & Deception

2010-01-25T20:30:00.001-08:00

Many times, in order to present themselves as more attractive, people tend to lie about themselves to get married. This is probably the worst thing one can do in order to find a spouse.

Firstly, it's unIslamic and it's worse if you feel no guilt doing it. Secondly, it may get you married but what about when the lie comes out and you find yourself in the situation of a divorce? Thirdly, what exactly were you thinking?!

People who need to lie to get married, should probably not think about marriage. Would they want to marry someone who lies to them about who they are? Also, they need to think about what they'll achieve by lying. Usually, it's just a path to make themselves and their spouses miserable.

I've caught a couple of lies. One was the situation where I made istikhara and after a while I got to know the real person. The worst thing about that person was he defended his lies. Another time, I came across someone's profile who I know as an acquaintance and had lied on their profile. That's when it hit me that people lie on their profiles. It can be about their age, height, their residency status, their marital status and pretty much anything that can increase their chances of marriage. Some kinds of deception include simply presenting a different picture of themselves and pretending to be someone they are not just to make themselves seem more attractive. I understand that everyone wants to make themselves seem to be a good person but lying about things that are in no way true or exaggerating things unrealistically is not the way to go about it.

Before you fix anything or make ANY kind of decision, you SHOULD meet the person you like. Make sure the meeting includes the family and even friends if necessary. If the person hangs around with bad people, it's quite possible they aren't very good themselves. Ask a lot of questions because it'll help you get to know the person and their thinking.

I've heard of people going as far as hiring detectives to follow the person and I'm not quite sure about how useful that is. People are known to put up appearances in public. It can also be offensive to a person if they are genuine. I guess one should use that only in situations where they fear things are fishy or too good to be true and something is missing. If you have a gut feeling about something not being right, keep talking to the person till you feel better about it.

ALWAYS pray istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to help you make the right decision and move away if the person is not right for you. He (swt) is the only one who can reveal to you what no one else can possibly know, including the family.

Communication Blues

2010-01-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

(Yes, this post will be an end to the drought on my blog. For how long, I have no clue. Read on...)

Have you ever communicated with someone and tried to figure out what the are really trying to say? I tend to do that a lot. Because most people don't come out and say what they really mean. They tend to put things mildly or even be vague. Probably the worst thing they can do is try to avoid the question itself. It certainly doesn't help ease my mind about them. On the contrary, I feel more apprehensive about a person who hides things from me.

Then there are others who get stuck on one thing you've said and criticize or make fun of it (O.o oh yes, THAT'S going to impress me). I understand that two people may not always see eye to eye on every topic but there is a way to discuss these matters without offending the other person. It doesn't help when one person criticizes, realizes that it was offensive and then defends their actions or says they were joking. It happened to me recently. I was explaining what I am looking for (which were pretty much the qualities of a good Muslim and no physical aspects of a person) and I was criticized. That confused me. First, the guy went into defensive mode, saying this and that is why he said what he did even though I simply explained that these are qualities of a good Muslim and he accepted it. Then he immediately switched tracks saying he was simply joking. I felt I couldn't really live with someone I cannot even communicate with about simple things and had to end the conversation. At which point, he got offended because it was hurtful of me to want to end the matter there. Funny thing about that was that even though we politely bid each other farewell and luck, a minute later he picked up where we left off and continued to argue about what he said and my decision. The whole thing was so silly and a waste of time. All I could think of was to ignore him. I guess he was one of those guys who needed to have the last word.

When 2 people have an issue over the basic of things, it's better to leave matters and not get into an argument about it. Or at least that's my reasoning. Today, you may accept the difference but the problem will not go away after marriage. You'll still be holding onto the same ideals you did before marriage and when those ideals collide, it'll lead to arguments between the husband and wife. Either both are able to understand each other and come to a compromise or it's better to separate peacefully. But these kinds of things should be discussed prior to marriage so that it doesn't lead to any misunderstandings afterwards.

No Time!

2010-01-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

In case you all have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, the simple answer is, I have no time. Or perhaps I'm an extremely bad planner.

I was thinking about my plan for this year and I have no time to hunt for a spouse and if by some miracle I find him, I have no time to get married. How unfortunate is that? The only way I can get everything I want done is to prioritize one thing over the other, delay a few things and such. But how much time do I set aside to look for a potential spouse? Some people say that you can look all you want but it'll happen when it's meant to happen and others say that you need to tie your camel if you want Allah (swt) to make things happen for you. Aren't these the exact opposite?

Also, looking for a husband/wife is not like going to a market, picking out who you like and bringing them back home with you. You may like someone and they may not like you or someone is interested in you but you aren't so interested in them for whatever reason. The entire process is time consuming. It's not that I don't want to get married right now but do I really put the rest of my life on hold because of it? Since, I haven't really had the time to look for someone, I didn't have anything to blog about. :P

I think perhaps I need to buy me Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef's time traveler package. But is it me or does that sound damn expensive? :(

Fastrack's Filthy Ads

2009-12-25T20:14:00.001-08:00

Frankly, this has nothing to do with marriage. Lately, on Indian TV, they've been promoting stupidity in the name of an ad.

The ads are basically guys and girls talking about how they are cheating on one another and breaking up with them on a website. I thought THAT would be controversial. But when I went on the website, which is for watches & sunglasses (Confused? Well, their tag line is "move on"), they are holding a contest asking the public to create videos about breaking up with someone & moving on in real or fiction. :S All that for a chance to be on TV.

There are a few videos online already. So far, it seems it's all guys. Thankfully, the videos I saw were not as horrendous as the ads.

Check it out: http://www.fastrack.in/myExbox/index.aspx?uml=NA==

For people who think, living back home or in the middle east is better because there's less fitnah, think again. Fitnah is pretty much in every part of the world. I hate to think this will one day become part of the Desi culture.

Oh No You Didn't - Dealing With Strange Proposals

2009-12-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

Have any of you ever been proposed to with absurd comments which make you wonder what the person was thinking when they decided to write them?

Recently I was greeted with "kisses". Thank goodness, it was only online. And another complained about how I was being choosy because I wanted someone around my age range (coz I don't think I'll be all that at ease marry someone around my dad's age - no joke) or perhaps it was the practicing Muslim part. Actually, many of these guys are offended if what you are looking for isn't them. And then I get asked something which I felt doesn't really reflect how a person practices religion. Although, this wasn't the bad part of his so called "proposal". Usually, it doesn't make a good impression if you start off your proposal to get to know someone with criticism.

Generally, I respond to everyone who writes to me, no matter how strange it sounds but I've started to get tired of the weird messages and have decided to avoid responding to many simply because I don't know HOW to respond. And I actually feel guilty because if I took the trouble to write to someone, I would at least hope to know if they are not interested.

I think the most unfortunate proposal was of someone with quite an inappropriate picture. I'm still unsure if it was put up purposely or unknowingly. The picture was taken in a studio and perhaps the photographer should have been more careful in the way he positioned his subject. Actually, that reminds me of a second brother's pic which also seemed inappropriate to me. I understand that guys are trying to attract their perspective spouses but it should be done within limits. Alhumdulillah, it's not too often that I come across such profiles/proposals.

Sounds funny. :P Read about it here. I wonder if the people being proposed along with hundred others to would find it weird. :P

Well guys and girls, I might be taking a little blogging break. I'll try to type up interesting things as and when they come to mind but it may not be as regular. Thank you for being such fantastic readers & commenters so far. :D InshaAllah, you'll be around to share more of your insight with me. :)

Handling Rejection

2009-12-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

Pretty much anyone who has been spouse hunting has either rejected someone or has faced rejection themselves. I'm no different. But everyone seems to have their own way of dealing with rejection. For me, sure it feels bad at first but then you move on. But I also feel sad when I have to reject someone. I always try to be nice when doing it but sometimes that itself backfires.

Overall, I think I've come across 3 different reactions to the guys I've rejected.
1. The mature guys - mashaAllah, I feel the worst rejecting them because you know a person is decent if you reject them and they politely wish you luck in your search. Makes me think I should reject every guy I like (by which I mean I think he's a good Muslim) at least once just to see their reaction. ;) Oops, secret's out, can't try that.
2. The guys who don't understand "no" - no matter how polite you are or how direct you are or even if you write an essay about why you rejected them they don't get the picture. They persist. I guess they might be filmy or truly believe that persistence is the key to success. It's worse when they start to stalk you online. Add you to their facebook or keep sending you "islamic" forwards on your email. The kind that tell you to pass it to all your friends or Allah (swt) will be very displeased. Sigh. Most times, it's better to ignore them no matter what they send/write and eventually they give up. Blocking always comes in handy.
3. The "have to have the last word" guys - usually, they just like to say some random comment before they leave. Other times, it's just plain rude comments under the cloak of Islam. But if you respond back to clarify, they will not leave until it's they, who have had the last word. My suggestion for anyone who comes across these people, just get out of that conversation even if it means letting them have the last word. There's a hadith to support this as well. I believe it's along the lines of - the better Muslim is he who remains silent & refrains from arguing even though he is in the right. Do correct me if I'm mistaken.

InshaAllah, the brothers don't take offense. I've obviously only been talking to brothers in the context of marriage. Perhaps sisters can be placed in similar categories?

In searching for a pic on rejection, I also found a funny sentence in an article. :P

Do share your comments on your experiences & advice on the best way to reject someone. :)

Love Or Arranged Marriage?

2009-12-07T02:52:00.000-08:00

Most westerners probably find it weird that grown up Asians (whether Muslims or non-Muslims) still need parental approval when it comes to marriage. And I can understand why they find it funny. But parents are our guide and it's always wise to seek their opinion in such an important matter and have them be a part of the entire process and not just as guests at the wedding.

When it comes to love or arranged marriages, usually both require parent's approval. In the case of Muslims, love and arranged marriages aren't really all that different. Either you find the person you like and then introduce them and their family to yours or your parents find you someone, you meet them and their family and see how you get along. Both have their benefits but which would you prefer and why?

Somehow, I prefer the idea of arranged marriage because it's less of a hassle to find someone yourself. Your parents do all the work and then you just have to accept or reject. :P In the case of love marriages, you do all the work of finding someone, perhaps falling in love with them and then risk losing them if your parents reject them or their family rejects you. The best way to avoid that is to have a good idea of who your parents consider a good match (usually parents see different things than their children). Although, it's even better if you can avoid the "love" bit until after everything is fixed. It'll also save you from shaitaan's trap of falling into something haram.

Also, if you like someone, get the parents involved before you end up liking them too much. If your parents are against it for whatever reason, you can end the matter then and there. :)

Polygamy & Religiousness?

2009-11-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

Polygamy is one of the most sensitive topics among Muslims. It is especially a matter of debate among the brothers and sisters and unfortunately, usually leads to brothers and sisters getting into an argument and passing rude comments.

I remember coming across an unfortunate video by a brother commenting about a Muslima sister and how she was a "bad Muslim" because she had her video on youtube (mind you, this was a hijabi Muslima talking about Islam). He mentioned a way to check the religiousness of a sister is to ask her if she would be willing to be in a polygamous marriage. Firstly, I'm not sure why this brother was even watching a video by a Muslima if he felt so strongly about it's wrongness. Secondly, to ridicule her via a video tells me a lot about his own religiousness. Thirdly, I don't see the connection between willingness to be in a polygamous marriage and being a good Muslim. No Muslim can comment on the religiousness of another as only Allah (swt) is aware of what is in His servant's heart.

Agreed, polygamy is allowed in Islam and is optional which means it is NOT compulsory upon every Muslim. Secondly and most importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility & trial not only upon the man but also the wives involved which gives the women a right to choose to participate in it. Strangely enough, I find that most brothers, who are pushing for polygamy and making generalizations about the deen of a woman, are unmarried. I do not see how a brother can completely comprehend the responsibility of having even one wife let alone 2, 3 or 4, without ever being married. Not only that, some knowing that they cannot afford to have so many wives, announce proudly how their wives should live like paupers in order to make this easy on them. I'm sorry but I feel the brothers have completely missed the point of marriage. If a husband cannot support/be equal to more than one wife, then he should limit himself to one as stipulated in the Holy Quran (surah Nisa, ayah 3).

Since this is a huge topic into which I will not delve, I found an interesting article on the matter which anyone interested can read here.

With that said, I do commend all the brothers and sisters who are able to be just and patient with their spouses, irrespective of whether they are in a polygamous relationship or not.

Sorry just had to add a pic to lighten the mood. :P

A Few Questions For My Readers

2009-11-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

As salaam walaikum all,

I've been wondering what people think of when they think about their married life. How do they picture it? Do guys picture things differently from the way girls do or is there a common ground that we don't realize? So, it would be great if you can help me (and possibly others) understand this by answering a few questions.

1. Besides the basics - looks, deen, financial stability, etc what are the qualities that you really look for or hope to find in your spouse?

2. If you could picture a day in your life, 5 yrs after marriage, what would you hope it would be like?

3. What do you think you'd bring to the relationship?

4. What would you be willing to sacrifice for the sake of marriage and your spouse?

I understand some of the questions may be personal so feel free to post anonymously but please keep it clean. :)

Disturbing Set-Ups

2009-11-12T16:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been set up by a "friend" or a family member except the people didn't have your best interests at heart? I have. Thankfully just a few times.

I didn't ask these people to try to find someone for me to marry because I don't trust their choices. A couple of them aren't what I would consider really good or practicing Muslims. One seemed to be intelligent but on inquiring about the person I realized it didn't matter what the guy was like just as long as I wasn't being choosy. It's the concept of just get married even if it's a miserable life because you aren't worth anything without a marriage. And the person got offended that I refused to talk to the guy. That itself told me this person doesn't care about me. None of these people are my parents. Infact, I would have been happy if my parents would have found the person but they left the decision upto me as long as he meets a few of their criteria. Alhumdulillah. I refused to discuss the matter with 2 such people and the others my parents ignored their suggestions because they knew what the people were like.

I dislike how insincere people are and they try to force you into accepting their insincere gestures and hope the worst for you. It would be better if such people don't bother helping me and let me make the decisions since my parents have given me that freedom.

PS: This isn't meant to be a rant, just a distasteful experience.

The Age Factor

2009-11-10T03:34:00.000-08:00

Although not a problem for most Muslims getting married, it is a problem for some Muslim brothers and sisters. It's interesting to see that brothers and sisters face difficulties in getting married when they are at different "extremes" of age. Most brothers find it harder to get married when they are younger (18 - 21) whereas most sisters find it harder to get married as they approach the big 30s!

Who decides what is a good age to get married at? Primarily, it's our family, our society and our culture. But at times, we are the ones creating problems for our own brothers and sisters.

For the younger brothers, the problem lies in 2 specific matters. First, the issue of maturity (or lack of it in some cases which is subjective) as sisters of the same age or older do not seem to find it matches to their level. Second, the issue of being able to be responsible for a family. Every father wants that his daughter should be looked after properly by their husband and the way this is seen is by contemplating upon the education one has or the job one is pursuing. Many sisters may or may not willingly agree to this.

Pic taken from here.
For older sisters, the issue becomes of beauty. It is extremely obvious that brothers are looking for an attractive spouse and so most older brothers naturally look for it in much younger sisters ignoring the sisters who are of their own age group. This leads to the rise in the number of sisters who are older and single. And because the younger sisters tend to marry much older brothers for their maturity and jobs, the brothers of their ages find it harder to get married. This has lead to a new trend among Muslims (although not so popular as yet) of younger brothers preferring to marry older sisters for their patience and, perhaps, independence, giving them time to stand up on their own feet.

Although we talk about the marriage of Prophet Muhammad (saw) to Khadija (ra) and how it is acceptable for a younger guy to marry an older lady, we rarely choose to apply this to ourselves and give ourselves and the potential spouses, who are slightly outside our age range, a chance to get to know for marriage. Perhaps, if this trend were more popular, it would increase the chances of both brothers and sisters getting married and of course, increasing one's options. Just a thought. :)

Reading Between The Lines

2009-11-02T13:32:00.001-08:00

This is just a funny conversation that happened between me and my friend. Sometimes when people write about themselves in profiles, it's not so clear what they are looking for. So, to avoid reading too much into something, I look for a second opinion and this is one such case where I asked a friend for her opinion and it made me laugh.

Me: What does this mean? "Someone who is not looking to compete with her spouse but who wants to facilitate a family oriented lifestyle. Someone who values making her life and her husband's life easier."

Friend: i think it means someone who wants to work with their spouse to provide a better life for them both

Me: *thinking*

Friend: by sitting at home and making the house comfy for him

Me: LOL

Friend: i think this person secretly wants a pretty slave but is making it sound better

Me: haha

Hope no one takes her seriously though. And I have taken her permission before posting this. But I too, found the wording a bit strange and felt the person should've been a bit more clear.

Conflicting Opinions

2009-10-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

During the process of a spouse hunt, there are times when you talk to people that you like but issues arise when you come across conflicting opinions. Sometimes it's over religious matters, sometimes over personal choices and sometimes over what someone is most comfortable with. One of these issues I've faced is regarding my work. I've come across several good Muslim, practicing guys who have some issue with this subject.

It's also interesting to see, that this issue plagues not only Muslim doctors but also other female doctors hoping to pursue a career in medicine while raising a family. One such prospective bride talks about her decision on this matter subtly on an Indian TV show called "Lux Perfect Bride". Personally, I dislike the way they've gone about the process of finding compatible matches on this show and the title of "Perfect Bride" but the point is simply about this one bride who chooses to find a match who is comfortable with her pursuing her career in medicine.

I've felt like most guys don't consider the feelings of the bride's parents even though they have every intention of being good parents themselves. Parents who educate their children wouldn't be happy seeing their children not make use of it or give it up for the sake of getting married. Somehow it seems there is a misconception that unless the wife is at home full time, she cannot take care of her children. I would think a husband has his responsibilities towards his child as well. According to shariah, in cases of divorce, the child is given to the father over the mother which means Allah (swt) does think fathers are capable of raising a child beyond providing a home and food. And if single fathers can consider nannies to help raise the child, they can consider that for their wives as well, perhaps? And a mother will always love and care for their child so I don't see why husbands should be so concerned about it. The best Muslims are those who wish for their brothers/sisters in Islam as they wish for themselves after all.

Either way, I never try to persuade anyone to try and change their ideas for me. I believe it's best if people are willingly open to the idea so there are no major issues in the future.

Matching Expectations

2009-10-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

This is a problem all single Muslims and Muslimahs face. Finding a decent spouse, not in terms of religion, but in terms of matching their criterias and expectations. It's a topic that's being discussed by many sheikhs in trying to solve the marriage problem of Muslim youths. That is, not being able to get married.

One of lectures I've heard, spoke of how single brothers and sisters may attend the same Islamic conferences but never see each other as potential matches. Or brothers and sisters part of the same MSA or other Muslim groups may not consider each other because they may have noticed some faults in their behaviour during the time they've known each other. So, the expectations have gone beyond that of simply religion and have moved on to other things.

Each one of us are looking for perfect qualities that we would like reflected in our spouses but do we see those qualities in ourselves as well? Have we worked on ourselves in the process and are we reflecting internally. Perhaps we are quick to judge others or have fears holding us back. Because we understand ourselves but cannot understand the other person. Is it a good idea to take a risk on a person and give them a chance? Common sense would say yes but is it all that simple when it comes to marriage? Divorce may be an option provided by Allah (swt) but should we jump into marriage hoping for divorce as an option if things don't work out? Again common sense would say no. So where do we set the boundary? Where do we decide that this risk is worth taking or as Desis might say "is this laddoo (sweet) worth eating"?

(original pic here)
I guess part of the reasoning comes if the matter is a major character flaw or a minor one. Similarly, is the expectation something that is extremely important to a person or not so important. If it is something that takes you out of your comfort level then perhaps the risk is not worth taking. But it also depends on how strongly the other person feels about it and what vibes you get from it. There is, however, very little cure for fear and the uncertainty one feels during this process. In that situation, one should make sincere dua to Allah (swt) and follow their heart. If one truly feels unhappy about the situation, then it's better to let it go and pray for the best.

Being "Choosy" When Choosing The Right Spouse

2009-10-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

This word is thrown about so often that I'm not even sure how people define it. But one can be sure most often it's when people are aiming for something higher than what other people aim for.

Lately, I've been told to lower my expectations because there aren't any decent men. I really don't know why people think that because every day somewhere or the other people are getting married. Either they just close their eyes and pick a guy at whom their finger pointed or they've actually thought the guy was decent enough to get married to. And if they can find a guy, then I suppose I can too. If he's in my destiny then I'll find him, inshaAllah.

But the advice of lowering my expectations is hard for me to swallow because I don't feel like they are expectations as much as finding a guy who likes me for what I am rather than what I can become for him (not in terms of religion). There was a joke I used to read about how women marry men trying to change them and they never do and men marrying women hoping they never change and they do. Seems it goes the exact opposite in us Muslims. The guys are trying to change their wives according to their desires and the wives are hoping the husbands remain as what they were when they got married.

Who really gets to decide when one is being "choosy"? Shouldn't the reasoning of the person be understood as well? We are all unique and if we have a little insight, we understand ourselves and our needs. If the advice is based on a better reason than "it's difficult to find a decent man" or "you are getting older", then it has more worth when it comes to being considered. Being single is not the end of the world. And marriage shouldn't be what defines us Muslims.

Defining Religiousness

2009-10-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

When it comes to marriage, most Muslims know that they need to look for the best in deen (religion). However, everyone's definition of religiousness is completely different.

Some require a husband/wife to read Quran daily and have part or all of it memorised. Others require that the man goes to mosque everyday and women pray tahajjud every night. Some guys even require that a Muslim woman speak/understand Arabic. Then there are people who measure deen based on the number of Islamic conferences attended, books read, or how involved one is in dawah. This is all good but what if your actions do not sink in and do not bring about a positive change?

A very long time back I spoke to a man who claimed he was Hafiz-e-Quran. I was really not expecting my husband to be one but I was definitely impressed by this fact. Initially our conversation was moderated but he later requested to speak with me privately (online). I agreed as I had a lot to ask since it was still in the early stages. Unfortunately, almost immediately, his true character was revealed. He started swearing as part of a casual conversation and this disturbed me a lot. It is one of the things that completely turns me off and I dislike keeping the company of people who swear out of the fear that I'll start it. If that was not enough, he went from suddenly proposing marriage (which caught me off guard since we hardly spoke) to wanting to "beat me" to asking me when we can meet all within 5 mins. SubhanAllah! I didn't even bother responding after that and I was completely flabbergasted. To think a Hafiz-e-Quran had such a poor character was shocking. I know this is probably a rare incident but it led me to redefine religiousness.

Any person who seems outwardly religious but their character doesn't reflect that cannot really be religious. I understand we are not perfect but there's a difference in qualities that can lead to a disastrous marriage and ones that can be worked on. Aggression and aggressive behaviour, I'm afraid, is not one that I will ever take a chance on. There's a difference between anger and aggression. Everyone gets angry and show it in different ways. Maybe they stop communicating with the person or they get into an argument but aggression is when they threaten you, get physical, include emotional taunts to break you, etc. The former can be managed provided the person is willing to change. The latter requires professional help.

Anyway, I digress. Personally for me, the most important things are a man who at least practices the basic faith - regular salah (prayer), fasting in Ramadan, avoids haram (by eating zabiha/halal foods, avoiding interest, guards himself, etc), has the intention of performing hajj (preferably with his wife :D ), gives zakat (if it is fardh on him). Anything above this is awesome. If he is actively seeking knowledge on Islam and making an effort to become a better Muslim by keeping his actions in check then I've found my perfect match. A Muslim man or woman who is oblivious to their defects in religion isn't really going to do much to change so insight is extremely important when it comes to religion. As far as having a difficult time changing, that can be managed because everyone needs motivation from time to time.

Do Looks Really Matter?

2009-10-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

I think this is one of the first things if not the absolute first things that people consider in marriage. Somehow more so guys than girls or maybe my viewpoint is based mostly from what I've noticed among the Desi (Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi) culture. Or maybe because I haven't spent time reading too many girls' profiles or girls tend not to talk about looks even if they desire a good-looking husband. I don't want to imply that it's wrong to want someone you are attracted to, infact, it is important to at least feel some attraction. What I dislike is when people tend to give it more importance than anything else or it is their sole consideration.

It seems like some people are obsessed about looks and that's all they can see/talk about. They don't care about your religious values or to ask about anything else. They can only talk about pictures, meeting you in person, or describe how pretty they think you are, etc. Sometimes they are easy to spot because their profile includes words like "pretty, beautiful, fair, slim" and it concerns me to talk to them because I'm not sure if this is the sole reason they contacted me. And when I talk of other things, it comes across as though they've never thought about it as their response is rather vague.

I once read a sad debate among Muslim guys on a popular Muslim blog about how "ugly women" have the least chance of getting married because women are more in number therefore even "ugly men" can find a beautiful wife simply because of the ratio. Seems like they are looking for "trophy wives". SubhanAllah. I wonder how many women will marry a man with such thinking.

Didn't the prophet (pbuh)'s hadith talk of marrying a woman for her religion? And a similar hadith telling fathers to marry their daughters to a man who is good in character and takes care of his religion? A beautiful person will be pleasing to the eyes as long as they do not offend you. I believe a good character is most pleasing to the heart and most essential for a happy marriage and that remains my key point in my search.

When You Actually Like Someone...

2009-10-09T22:00:00.001-07:00

[My plan was to write about criterias and then move on to other subjects but for now that'll have to wait...]

Normally, I communicate with potential spouses via email. I find it non-threatening. You can think about what you have to say without feeling nervous and it's a quick way of figuring out if you are compatible with a person. I generally try to ask questions that are most important to me and usually it's done in a very formal way as I feel getting too friendly would not be very Islamic. A few seem to think it makes me sound very serious but marriage is after all a very serious matter and it's not that I do not have a sense of humor and such but in this matter I don't find it appropriate.

However, the problem with me comes when I actually like someone because of what I feel is good character and a possible match. Now that makes me nervous irrespective of whether we are communicating via email or not. It makes me think even more of what I should say and I how I should phrase my sentences and at the same time trying to communicate my real opinions. The whole time I'm doing so, I'm thinking at the back of my mind if the conversation is going to end here because our views don't match. And wondering if it's worth losing out on a possibly good match because of a couple of things. Now these things aren't random things. They are important to me and what's important to me, I feel, should also be important to my husband and vice versa but somehow I've noticed if guys are religious, as in really practicing their deen, they are not too liberal or open to differences in opinion which doesn't really go with Islam. And it's not just having differences in opinion, which all couples will have on certain matters, but is there room for compromise? And will that compromise really satisfy both couples or will they end up feeling this is not what they want?

May be I'm afraid of compromise on some level because of the experiences of couples where it turns out more to be a sacrifice on the part of the wives of their desires and even though husbands originally agreed to certain things, soon after marriage they seem to have a change of heart. And it turns into a battle instead of a companionship. May be it's impossible to find someone who thinks exactly like you and has the same mentality but is it really worth it to go into a marriage knowing you may not really be happy? To me, it's not. And when I really like someone I tend to have an internal debate with myself on whether I can sacrifice what I hope for in case there can't be a compromise.

I think there are a few girls like me who have faced this internal battle and decided to choose to remain single until they either meet someone who is willing to accept them as they are or die in hopes of such a person or give up and marry any person just to end their loneliness. As far as their happiness is concerned, only Allah (swt) is aware of that. Some are satisfied in their decisions and some regret it. It's sad to think that simple things like marriage can become so hard and stressful.

In the event that I really can't decide, I'll leave it to Allah (swt) through istikhara and will consult my parents. But somehow my heart and maybe my gut is telling me that I still have some waiting to do.

Religiousness & Character

2009-10-04T23:14:00.001-07:00

With all the hadith which talk about the importance of deen and character, there should be no doubt how important a role faith plays in a healthy marital relation. If he fears Allah (swt) then he will treat you right. If she fears Allah (swt), she will respect you. And they will love each other for the sake of Allah (swt). Therefor, it becomes extremely important for one to use this as their basic criteria for choosing a spouse.

"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:`The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' ( Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)

However, the difficulty here is that as the ummah grows, so do the divisions. With such varied opinions, how does one find a person who follows their belief system? Does one sacrifice deen in the process? For me, this is not an option and neither is asking/forcing someone to change his opinions for me. If I find that our opinions do not match, I don't see the point in developing the relationship into marriage. Such differences of opinion can, in the long run, lead to marital discord and displeasure with each other. Either the couple discuss a compromise beforehand or separate and continue their search for the right one.

There's one problem I've faced when it came to differences in opinion. After agreeing that we can't compromise, a few of the men continued to criticize my opinion. I'm not sure what they were hoping for? Maybe they thought needed to get in the last word or believed they could argue with me into changing my beliefs and accepting theirs. In most cases, the argument was not even related to something that is fard. Or maybe it was in their minds simply because they had an idea of what they wanted and expected someone to comply with their requests. I may come off as hard-headed here, but it's not a matter of being stubborn. Just a matter of what you think is best for you. I don't see the point in a marriage where one person is expected to compromise and bend backwards to please another who doesn't make any such effort. I don't expect my husband to change for me except by his will and will not force my opinions on him which is why I've been trying to look for someone who's compatible and comfortable with my faith. I am just expecting the same from my husband. To accept me the way I am and appreciate me for it.

If you decide in your meetings with a prospective spouse that you have extremely different opinions on matters that are utmost important to you, why should you go into an argument over it? End the conversation with pleasantries and get on with your lives. Whenever I come across such people, and thankfully it's only been a handful, I've just said alhumdulillah. If this is their behaviour before marriage, it's a good insight into what's to come afterwards.

There's a beautiful hadith that comes to mind that I shall end on:

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,
"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.''
[Abu Dawud]

Criterias Criterias!

2009-10-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

If you are one of those people who has been trying to get married then you have either come across a long list of criterias or thought up your own list of wants and desires in your prospective spouse. However, if you are one of those "open-minded" people who have no such list, you may either not be ready to get marriage, not really sure of what you are looking for or not really aware of your criterias. That may be a rather bold statement to make but it's certainly not meant to be offensive. Many people may not even realize that they do have some idea of what they want. They just haven't figured it out yet.

This brings us to the question - are all these qualities and criterias essential? After all, no one is really perfect. However, I feel that to a certain extent criterias are really helpful. It's very important to have some idea of what you would want in your spouse. After all, this is someone you are planning to spend your whole life with which makes it all the more important to choose carefully. Looking at the current divorce rates among Muslims in various countries, it becomes all the more important to look for the right things. Key word here bring - right. I, too, have my own list of qualities that I'm looking for which I will cover in separate posts, inshaAllah.

The problem with these criterias, however, is people tend to go overboard sometimes and possibly look for things that will not matter in the long run. But how does one know what to look for and what to choose? The way I see it. A person that may be right for me may not be right for someone else and vice versa. And in order to understand what to look for, one must understand themselves first.

For eg, a quiet man may want to marry a girl who is more talkative because he prefers to listen. However, a talkative girl may want to find a man who is also talkative because she prefers to have a partner who she can have a good conversation with rather than someone who responds with one word. There's really no right or wrong here. It's just a matter of understanding yourself in order to understand what you want and how important it is to you.

Purpose Of My Blog

2009-09-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to start this blog for a while now. In my journey to find the right man, I have seen and heard so many things and felt like sharing it with the world. Interestingly enough, I haven't found many blogs dedicated to this process or the topic in it's entirety. Maybe because there is only so much one can read and discuss about it. Hopefully, that wont be the case with my blog and there will be many who can relate with my experiences.

And so the journey continues...