Friday, 25 June 2010

Facebook Friend Request

A lot of times when getting to know each other, people exchange emails, phone numbers, wali information, etc. But a few decide to send add requests on facebook.

I'm really not sure what to make of it. I usually dislike adding people I don't know even if it is someone I am communicating with for marriage. I'd rather not jump to being facebook friends. Yes, you can check out each other's friends and view photos they've uploaded and read through profile comments but isn't it better to get to know each other by actually communicating rather than spying on what they've been upto? Facebook is just too impersonal. People have the randomest conversations on it and many use it as a way to seem more popular. Much like twitter. Not saying these sites don't have their benefits. I'm just talking about people on average.

I just find it weird when someone initiates communication and sends me a link to their facebook page simultaneously. Not the way I'd like to go about it. Only my fiance/husband is getting on that or people I trust. Not every brother I communicate with. But that's my perspective. Opinions?


Effervescent said...


Lol thats an interesting post. Quite a few sisters I met online, met their husbands through internet. But ye I agree with the impersonality of facebook, it is best not to add guys. But then if there is a potential that you know and then you find him on facebook or theres that 1 guy you think may be the one then I think you can become 'friends' on there but not talk so much, just by looking at their comments and pics and the stuff the post and their friends, you can tell ALOT about someone.

But it is totally better to do things the normal way, not cyber stuff, although some would say that is becoming the 'norm' slowly.

If I found my husband through facebook I wouldnt mind, my parents and family on the other hand, they would lol.

Jaz said...

I agree with you. It would look weird to have a friends list full of potential husbands, all communicating with you on 1 public page, and seeing each other.. and then you'd have to delete the ones it didn't work out with before fiance gets jealous you have 20 other choices added as 'friends' lol

y said...

this is kind of interesting. in my opinion, i don't see a problem with it. first of all, the word 'friend' on facebook is basically meaningless now

i agree with Effervescent, though. you can tell a lot by the comments, posts, etc on facebook. like, to me, it seems everyone is professional and modest and respectful when they are at work, school, or talking to a potential other. its when they're somewhere else that you find a different story about them. you can definitely tell a lot from their profile, usually. if they are writing inappropriate things on their walls and so on (as surprisingly many muslims seem to do, unfortunately), thats one name you can cross off the list.

anyway, just my opinion.

Salma said...

Facebook is totally a different story. The agew of Facebook has arrived and I can't think of how people will communicate after this.

I agree with Jaz, it's weird.Matrimonial sites are problematic enough, Facebook(?) it's more likely to be chance encounters.

single4now said...

Effervescent - walaikum as salaam,
For a second I thought I read that you found your husband through facebook. :D Although, I'm sure there are people who met through facebook and liked each other. And yes, you can tell a lot about a person through facebook. It has both positive and negative aspects to it. And although I would want to find out about a person, I wouldn't necessarily want to start with a negative impression. Unfortunately, none of us are perfect and when we are still forming impressions, it's easier to form negative ones or even misinterpret things. What do you think?

Jaz - certainly. :P Plus, on the flip side, perhaps the person you are communicating with has also added several girls he is communicating with. That doesn't sound too good.

y - that's true. I see people with some 300 - 600 friends. Most likely they've all been your classmates from kindergarden through college including colleagues or any person you may possibly know. How many would you actually trust to share your problems with and expect a mature response? Kinda crazy. I wouldn't want to add people I don't know and don't trust. Meaningless really if you don't even communicate with them. lol. But that's just me. Nothing wrong with having a lot of people on your facebook.
As for the alternative life on facebook, it is definitely a benefit of adding someone. However, people can always remove content they don't want you seeing. Not to mention, I know people who have several separate facebook accounts. I'm not completely against adding people on facebook. I just don't think that it should be the first reaction, you know?

Salma - I guess one benefit could be friends introducing friends so you have a trusted source introducing you. :) I still find facebook very random and mainly for small talk. Even if someone is on my facebook, I'd rather communicate with them through email or chat.

Toush said...

assalamu alaykum oh dont tell me about adding the girls! really disappointing when you see his tagged pictures. really disappointing when you see the comments on other girls. seriously things that you wouldnt have known wasnt if for fb

single4now said...

Walaikum as salaam,

Indeed Toush. However, sometimes one can't help what their friends comment either. :P

Aminah said...

As-salaamu Alaikum,
Yeah I don't really agree with using fabo to communicate. It just causes jealousy, especially if you have members of the opposite gender as your friends. It's pretty much the ticket to eternal drama. Plus, the communication is more indirect. Once I sent a message to someone and I waited weeks for a reply and I never got it. By the time I asked that person, it was way too late to change anything.

RedBerries said...

I think I lump FB in the same category as TV or film or any of the modern form of media. If used 'correctly' it can be really useful, e.g. catching up with friends, sharing photos, advertising events (islamic and non-islamic), but on the flip side, there is most definately an element of the not-so-halal going on, especially in terms of free mixing. Adding some random guy because he might be interested is certainly one of those things that is in the grey area of 'appropriateness'.

If I was to meet a guy, I would want to meet him, speak to him, rather than use any sort of virtual communication, especially at the initial stages of getting to know each other. I've also found that a lot of brothers don't see FB as sisters do...profiles are accessible to not only the guys themselves, but their friends...they most certainly don't see it as an extension of their own character, like some sisters (such as myself) may do.

Personally, I wouldn't like any potential spouse going through my FB profile in order to get an idea about me. I'm not so simple to be defined by a couple of wall posts, a few internet links, and some picutre profile tags!

Salaam x

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum,

Saw your site on Quest's blog and decided to check it out. Mash'Allah, I really like how open you are on the process. :) Too often the "road" to marriage isn't talked about; there's no guidance offered. As a young convert myself, it's been confusing figuring out how to navigate this part of the deen..but Alhamdulillah, I've received a lot of support.

Anyways, on to this post: I've had a brother propose to me on facebook and it was awkward--to say the least. I don't think Facebook is an appropriate venue to meet your spouse. Allah (swt) knows best.

Jazak Allah khair. May Allah (swt) protect your deen and grant you a righteous husband. Ameen.

single4now said...

Walaikum as salaam,

Jazakillah khair for your kind words. Ameen and may Allah grant you the same. Ameen. :)

I think the casualness of facebook is what makes it a little awkward place to search for a spouse. :P