Do Opposites Attract?

I think it's about time I had a post regarding my search. :P Here goes nothing!

I've been thinking of contacting a brother for a few days now but for several reasons, I've decided against it. One of the reasons is that I feel we are very different. He's definitely more religious than I am which makes me wonder if he'd consider marrying someone who hasn't reached his level of religiousness. Also, his interests seem to be extremely different from mine. There have been very few conversations that we've had (always in a group) and most of the time I have had very little input to offer on the matter because I do not generally enjoy reading/discussing about such topics in great detail. We definitely have different tastes in literature. And as far as I know, Islam may very well be the only thing common between us.

Pretty much the only reason I am even considering him is because he seems to have a very good nature. I've never heard him put down anyone or insult anyone. He definitely has a good sense of humor which he rarely shows but it's always good to know one isn't a completely serious lifeless person. :P

There are a lot of good reasons I can think of why this may not even work out but my friends insist that I should definitely consider at least letting him know of my interest. I suppose you develop an interest in what interests your spouse but I think two people should be able to talk to someone about things they love. I'm just not sure if opposites can truly attract one another.

Defining Religiousness

When it comes to marriage, most Muslims know that they need to look for the best in deen (religion). However, everyone's definition of religiousness is completely different.

Some require a husband/wife to read Quran daily and have part or all of it memorised. Others require that the man goes to mosque everyday and women pray tahajjud every night. Some guys even require that a Muslim woman speak/understand Arabic. Then there are people who measure deen based on the number of Islamic conferences attended, books read, or how involved one is in dawah. This is all good but what if your actions do not sink in and do not bring about a positive change?

A very long time back I spoke to a man who claimed he was Hafiz-e-Quran. I was really not expecting my husband to be one but I was definitely impressed by this fact. Initially our conversation was moderated but he later requested to speak with me privately (online). I agreed as I had a lot to ask since it was still in the early stages. Unfortunately, almost immediately, his true character was revealed. He started swearing as part of a casual conversation and this disturbed me a lot. It is one of the things that completely turns me off and I dislike keeping the company of people who swear out of the fear that I'll start it. If that was not enough, he went from suddenly proposing marriage (which caught me off guard since we hardly spoke) to wanting to "beat me" to asking me when we can meet all within 5 mins. SubhanAllah! I didn't even bother responding after that and I was completely flabbergasted. To think a Hafiz-e-Quran had such a poor character was shocking. I know this is probably a rare incident but it led me to redefine religiousness.

Any person who seems outwardly religious but their character doesn't reflect that cannot really be religious. I understand we are not perfect but there's a difference in qualities that can lead to a disastrous marriage and ones that can be worked on. Aggression and aggressive behaviour, I'm afraid, is not one that I will ever take a chance on. There's a difference between anger and aggression. Everyone gets angry and show it in different ways. Maybe they stop communicating with the person or they get into an argument but aggression is when they threaten you, get physical, include emotional taunts to break you, etc. The former can be managed provided the person is willing to change. The latter requires professional help.

Anyway, I digress. Personally for me, the most important things are a man who at least practices the basic faith - regular salah (prayer), fasting in Ramadan, avoids haram (by eating zabiha/halal foods, avoiding interest, guards himself, etc), has the intention of performing hajj (preferably with his wife :D ), gives zakat (if it is fardh on him). Anything above this is awesome. If he is actively seeking knowledge on Islam and making an effort to become a better Muslim by keeping his actions in check then I've found my perfect match. A Muslim man or woman who is oblivious to their defects in religion isn't really going to do much to change so insight is extremely important when it comes to religion. As far as having a difficult time changing, that can be managed because everyone needs motivation from time to time.

Religiousness & Character

With all the hadith which talk about the importance of deen and character, there should be no doubt how important a role faith plays in a healthy marital relation. If he fears Allah (swt) then he will treat you right. If she fears Allah (swt), she will respect you. And they will love each other for the sake of Allah (swt). Therefor, it becomes extremely important for one to use this as their basic criteria for choosing a spouse.

"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:`The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' ( Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)

However, the difficulty here is that as the ummah grows, so do the divisions. With such varied opinions, how does one find a person who follows their belief system? Does one sacrifice deen in the process? For me, this is not an option and neither is asking/forcing someone to change his opinions for me. If I find that our opinions do not match, I don't see the point in developing the relationship into marriage. Such differences of opinion can, in the long run, lead to marital discord and displeasure with each other. Either the couple discuss a compromise beforehand or separate and continue their search for the right one.

There's one problem I've faced when it came to differences in opinion. After agreeing that we can't compromise, a few of the men continued to criticize my opinion. I'm not sure what they were hoping for? Maybe they thought needed to get in the last word or believed they could argue with me into changing my beliefs and accepting theirs. In most cases, the argument was not even related to something that is fard. Or maybe it was in their minds simply because they had an idea of what they wanted and expected someone to comply with their requests. I may come off as hard-headed here, but it's not a matter of being stubborn. Just a matter of what you think is best for you. I don't see the point in a marriage where one person is expected to compromise and bend backwards to please another who doesn't make any such effort. I don't expect my husband to change for me except by his will and will not force my opinions on him which is why I've been trying to look for someone who's compatible and comfortable with my faith. I am just expecting the same from my husband. To accept me the way I am and appreciate me for it.


If you decide in your meetings with a prospective spouse that you have extremely different opinions on matters that are utmost important to you, why should you go into an argument over it? End the conversation with pleasantries and get on with your lives. Whenever I come across such people, and thankfully it's only been a handful, I've just said alhumdulillah. If this is their behaviour before marriage, it's a good insight into what's to come afterwards.

There's a beautiful hadith that comes to mind that I shall end on:

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.''

[Abu Dawud]