Wednesday, 6 January 2010

No Time!

In case you all have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, the simple answer is, I have no time. Or perhaps I'm an extremely bad planner.

I was thinking about my plan for this year and I have no time to hunt for a spouse and if by some miracle I find him, I have no time to get married. How unfortunate is that? The only way I can get everything I want done is to prioritize one thing over the other, delay a few things and such. But how much time do I set aside to look for a potential spouse? Some people say that you can look all you want but it'll happen when it's meant to happen and others say that you need to tie your camel if you want Allah (swt) to make things happen for you. Aren't these the exact opposite?

Also, looking for a husband/wife is not like going to a market, picking out who you like and bringing them back home with you. You may like someone and they may not like you or someone is interested in you but you aren't so interested in them for whatever reason. The entire process is time consuming. It's not that I don't want to get married right now but do I really put the rest of my life on hold because of it? Since, I haven't really had the time to look for someone, I didn't have anything to blog about. :P

I think perhaps I need to buy me Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef's time traveler package. But is it me or does that sound damn expensive? :(

18 comments:

Imperfect Stepford Wife said...

No time for love? Oh no. You are not even in the middle, you are at the beginning. Just joking.

It (love) will come to you anyway you go about it. Just look out because it might hit you when you least suspect it.

single4now said...

Actually, I had been spouse hunting for a while before I decided to blog about it. As for it hitting me when I least expect it, I don't know if I believe that since I'm not looking for the traditional "fall in love and get married". But if you don't look, there's no way someone's just going to fall in your lap. Only question is, how hard do you look?

Habibti said...

it is expensive lol i dont have no time for love either although i would like to be married lol

Stephanie said...

Sweetheart, you need to relax. You can keep your eyes and ears open without making marriage Job One. Take a break. If you are feeling overwhelmed and/or exhausted, it is a signal to stop pushing.

y said...

Yeah, this is a pretty interesting question you pose in this post, and I guess everyone has to kind of analyze it for themselves, like for their own circumstances. Like, me, for example, I'm still in school, so I won't be making money for a couple more years, so that's basically my excuse. Like, I don't want my wife to work and pay for everything I have, but I want to be able to buy her stuff. Not trying to be chauvinistic or anything, lol, but that's how I feel. So I'm not really looking for anyone now just to focus on my studies.

Someone told me once that there is no such thing as not having enough time, that if there is something very important to you, that you either make time for it, or it isn't really as important to you. Like, for finding someone for marriage, maybe it is important, but maybe not as important to you as the other things that you don't want to move out of the way to make room for this. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, people just have different preferences.

I guess you can switch around your preferences and stuff. And also, just something to think about, you'll have to switch around your preferences when you get married anyway. Like, a person must make time for their spouse and children and possibly pets. like, when a person gets married, they can't do all their hobbies and things they used to do before.

Do you guys think those internet sites would be good for people who have busy schedules? I heard there are a lot of problems with those sites, though, like a lot of fake and non-working profiles. what do you think?

NidalM said...

This would be no reason to give up of course. But if you do find that you prioritize certain things above marriage, you have every right to keep you 'selection process' strict enough to preserve it. Noone can (or should) keep marriage numero uno. Everyone has an "I'd rather not be married if I have to..." list (a deal-breaker list). This is not wrong. This is practicality.

Is it possible to find someone who fits all our criteria? Perhaps, or perhaps not. But I do know that we sometimes meet people that we like enough to conveniently forget our little lists. This, again, is not wrong. You may call it love :)

single4now said...

Sorry I'm replying to the comments this late. Been really busy and tired. So here goes:

Habibti - I know right. Poor us. :P

Stephanie - thanks for dropping by. Good advice. It's difficult to constantly be looking for a spouse so I have to take long gaps and concentrate on other things. I don't think the guy I was communicating with would appreciate it if I disappeared for long periods of time to do other stuff. I certainly wouldn't.

y - I think you have a good reason to want to take it easy for now and concentrate on other things. Sometimes, you have a lot of things that are important to you but you still aren't able to find time because you aren't sure how much of it to dedicate to each thing. Hence, why I'm probably a bad planner. I can't really follow time tables either.
As for matrimonial sites, I think they are the easiest way to spouse hunt. You know the people (majority anyway) are looking for a spouse so it only leaves the question of whether they'd be interested in you or not. The problem is that matrimonial sites make people even more fussy because you feel like there are so many choices to choose from, might as well get the best who has everything you'd like in a spouse. After a while when you've rejected half the people, you realize the numbers weren't really realistic and you need to broaden your criteria. :P Even then, I'd suggest you try it out & always pray istikhara.

NidalM - Glad you said that. In my social circle, very few people agree with that and some are even more extreme than I am. I can't listen to everyone's advice and follow it. I have to make my own decisions which are suitable for me. If I feel they have some sense into what they are saying then sure but if it's unrealistic then I just listen to them and do what I think is best. There's usually no sense in arguing about it. :)

y said...

single4now -
I think you brought up an interesting point. A lot of people aren't looking for someone because they feel it wouldn't be fair if they were really busy, and couldn't talk to the other person except intermittently. I think that is correct, that it wouldn't be fair, for most people. But there are probably a lot of people who are also doing the same thing as you, that is, putting off looking for someone for a couple of years because they also don't think it would be fair to be absent a lot, then they wouldn't expect you to be there always either. Like, if you find someone who is also really busy, and not looking to get married immediately or something, then they wouldn't think it unfair if you disappeared for long periods of time, since that's what they would be doing also. Just a thought.

single4now said...

Yes, I suppose if you can find someone who can understand your circumstances then it should be fine. :) But usually when you are talking initially to someone, you'd hope for quick replies, especially if you are interested in them so it might be frustrating to wait long periods of time for answers to important questions. One could always chat but I usually don't recommend it. :P

Imperfect Stepford Wife said...

I'm always looking for more posts. Yes, I know that you said you were taking a break, but come on (joke).

BTW, I have changed my URL @ Imperfect Stepford Chronicles (100 Dates) to
http://imperfectstepfordchronicles.blogspot.com/

Chiara said...

Sorry to be late to this discussion. I must agree fully with NidalM and add that this type of thinking comes more easily to men, and so the good ones remind us to think this way for ourselves too.

I find it odd not to have time for love, although I understand what you mean. It can be hard to find time to cultivate and nurture relationships, and this is true before and after marriage.

Love, however, seems to find us when we aren't paying too much attention, or to squeeze itself in to the time available. The initial and subsequent new or renewed feelings of love are very exciting, and the deeper ongoing feelings are sustaining.

In that sense there is, or always should be time for love.

You might need to let it find you rather than screening for it, though. I know very Western romantic, I'm sure. Easterners in my experience have a much greater belief both in love at first sight, and love growing from duty.

Just for the record, I am not really the overly romantic type; and I am a firm believer in lust at first sight, rather than love at first sight, although sometimes in retrospect they coincided.

single4now said...

Imperfect Stepford Wife - actually, I don't have anything worth writing about right now. I have a few things but it's more like ramblings inside my head and not a defined topic. :P I'll see if I can straighten it out and gather enough material to make a post. I did think of something last night before I fell asleep but it seems to have slipped out of my head. lol.

Chiara - I really don't see how love can find us unless we make an effort. I'm trying to make time but it's not like talking to someone. It's basically going through profiles and such. Long process and hence time consuming. :P Actually, it's always been that I generally don't initiate many conversations. It's been mostly people contacting me. Reason is if I read something that I feel I'm not the person for them, then I move on. Occasionally it has happened that the person noticed that I visited their profile, read it, probably liked it and contacted me. :) I guess I need to start contacting more people.

Chiara said...

Well it is easier to find and be found in a non-segregated setting, like med school, hospital etc. Somehow people manage this even in very traditional cultures. Ah, but the profiling route would be more time consuming.

True too, that opening yourself to more options, while doing it safely would create more opportunities.

Maybe you need a break though, or are more invested right now in other concerns.

single4now said...

The only people in a hospital are dr.s, patients and possibly male nurses. I don't see that as a great place for a hook up. :P It just doesn't seem like a good idea to hook up with someone at the workplace. What if it all goes sour?

I guess I need to sort my schedule out.

Chiara said...

LOL :) NB different specialty, different circle and area of hospital, no real power over you, and will eventually earn more than you do even if you do clinic full time.

Patient with a non-disfiguring acute total treatable non recurring illness. Or patient's family member. NB not your own patient! LOL :)

Good luck!

Chiara said...

For anyone concerned:
There is good news for Saudi/non-Saudi couples about facilitating those marriages, including for Saudi students abroad on government scholarship:
Saudi/non-Saudi Marriage Permission: Stellar News!
http://www.chezchiara.com/2010/01/saudinon-saudi-marriage-permission.html

era said...

Question for you: How are you looking/searching???
They say put your books away & go out there, but I ask WHERE?
What do you do & How????

Yes I have asked parents & friends know (if they don't, they are clueless). I attend weddings and masjid but those are gender segregated & I guess I don't catch anyones eyes walking cross street or those wedding based on my look.

so what are you doing sis?

single4now said...

Well, I would say you try whatever works for you. If you think it's easier for you to meet someone through people then go with that. If you think online is the way to go, try that. Or speak to your local imaam if you prefer that. Whatever is more comfortable for you. But I'd advise you to always have your family involved and them know what you are doing. It's just safer that way.

Also, if you know of a brother who you think is good and you might be interested in marrying him, don't be afraid to get in touch with him, either through a mediator or your family. Just do your best, make dua and pray istikhara. InshaAllah, it'll work out for the best. :)