Sunday, 25 September 2011

Stuck

A while back I started communicating with a brother. Everything seemed fine but I just didn't feel excited over it. I can't really explain why. At times I felt like it seemed too good to be true which should normally make one happy but I didn't feel it. It's normal for me to not get attached to any of the people I speak to. Nor do I usually get upset over things not working out. At least it doesn't overwhelm me. And I like it that way.

With this brother, I felt we should get to know each other a little bit first before involving pictures and base my reaction and desire to move ahead on his personality and if there's any connection. I was starting to sound pessimistic in my head without any real reason and I was beginning to wonder if those are just fears. After discussing some of the things that are important to me, I decided to move ahead and exchange pictures. Now here's the problem, I'm not attracted to him. Further more things he said initially that he was flexible about are sounding more rigid and the opposite of what I'm looking for. So I'm beginning to wonder if he just wanted to appear flexible to make a good impression but in fact we really want different things.

I've prayed istikhara and a friend mentioned that perhaps my feelings are the answer to my istikhara. On one hand I'd feel guilty if I reject him purely for the attraction factor. Or we may not actually be right for each other. Do I pursue it further or do I cut it short early?

It's unlike me to seek suggestions on my blog but I also have other things on my mind so I may not be making the best decision on my own. Will keep everyone updated.

10 comments:

AlabasterMuslim said...

Asalaamu Alaikum!
If you cannot get past his looks, then there really is no reason to continue the relationship. You don't want to be married to a man who you cannot fathom making children with. lol.
If you like his personality a lot, then you could meet in person with chaperones or whatever...face to face, a person can look different especially when you see how they act.

single4now said...

Walaikumasalam!

Thanks for replying. We weren't in the meeting with family stage yet but after my last email in which I mentioned the areas that there may be a conflict, I didn't get a reply back so it might be over. I actually feel relieved. That went easier than expected so the search goes on. :P

Contemplating said...

The search for you and me (and no doubt many others) continues....Alhamdulillah.

i actually had someone (a potential i had been communicating with for marriage purposes) tell me today that they've thought about things carefully and had decided to not continue communications.......i think im glad the decision has been made for me....though i do think he was my type...but for reasons known to Allah and him it is not to go any further.

May Allah grant us a righteous spouse soon (the type that we also find pleasing to look at). Ameen

single4now said...

Sorry to hear that. But inshallah He has something better in mind for you. Ameen to the dua. :D

Z said...

I've had more than one experience like this... And I felt guiltly ending it at one point, but I'm still glad I did, because while the guy was super nice, I simply didn't like him because I thought he was 'boring'. Relationships are supposed to be based on love, compassion, respect and understanding. And for you to be able to express those feelings, you have to feel some kind of inclination towards the other. I can tell you one thing though. If you're relieved at the thought that it might be over since he hasn't written you back... Take that as a very strong indication that it should end either way :). That was the advice that someone once gave me and proved to be very beneficial.

And, just to add as well, we women tend to be a lot more patient and accepting when it comes to these things so you shouldn't feel any guilt. You don't feel a connection, I bet that if you really liked him, you probably wouldn't have overseen the looks factor and eventually grown to find him attractive. I think a large majority of attractiveness comes out of people's personalities anyways. Men, will end things purely based on looks (I've seen this happen on multiple occasion) and they have no shame in saying it so don't feel guilty, you need to like the person.

Sawsan said...

Salaam,
I just stumbled upon your blog and I have a suggestion that I use in my own search. Once a guy passes the basic standards (practicing muslim, has a job, not too old for me) then I suggest exchanging pics before talking because no matter how great he is, if you don't like the way he looks, then their is no point in getting to know him no matter how great he is. Also, pics are not the greatest thing to judge a person by because some people are not photogenic. And sometimes it is not a person's looks that you are attracted to exactly. If you meet, you might like the way he smiles, his smell,his voice, or even his arms. Attraction is strange that way and you may be surpirsed to find that you are attracted to him despite his looks.If you find someone completely unacceptable, then move on. But for me, as long as a person looks normal (no features I find hard to look at)I am open to meeting him hoping that his personality makes him the best looking guy to me.
Just what I find helpful. Inshallah you and I both find someone who will be good for us in this life and the hereafter.

SoulSeek said...

If there's no attraction, move on. Don't over think it.

There are millions of brothers out of there. Literally. Don't force something unnatural.

Insha'Allah if I find the time, I'll share many sources from various shuyookh in Islam on this matter. Narrations from Imam Ghazali, Ahmed and hadiths of the prophet (saw) narrating the importance of attraction/finding comfort in one another.

single4now said...

Thank you for your comments and advice. :)

The Muslimah Monologues said...

Salaam sister,

Love your blog, in regards to your comment about the brother you should totally be honest from the onset because there's no reason to continue something, it'll become uncomfortable for you both.

I'm writing a similar blog to yours and I'm trying to find Mr Right through an online marriage site- good idea? we'll see..I've tried to do the same, be honest, I feel bit rude but at the end of the day if you were face to face you're honesty would show...if that makes sense (giggle)

By the way I would love if you could visit my blog, I've just started out and need some support.

Thanks, M&M

single4now said...

Good idea - why not? Provided you leave out details that results in people stalking you. :P I'd love to drop by and add your blog to my blog roll.