Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Marriage Related Events & Topics

I know I've been MIA (Missing In Action) but I've been extremely busy. My time table is jam packed with so many things not to mention, the amount of things I have on my mind.

But this is not the end of this blog yet. :P

For now, I'm just going to share with you guys a few things related to the marriage topic:
1. Shaikh Yasir Qadi is starting an email course on the topic of intimacy in marriage:
It's for both sisters as well as brothers.

2. An article by a lifecoach on 3 Simple Steps To A Better Marriage:

3. Practimate will be starting a second round of class called "Find Your Mr. Right". You can get on the priority list by clicking here:

4. For brothers, I believe there is a class/program. For now, check out the blog:
I have to say the comments on the blog are very interesting. It's always nice to get the perspective of the other gender and see things through their eyes.


Chiara said...

I was wondering if you were KIA rather than MIA--thanks for showing a sign of life.

I read the links which are interesting. The APT (Appreciate, Praise and Thank) works best if both spouses do it for each other.

Good advice on marital sexual relations would be welcome, especially since it seems most men learn what they think they know from watching p*rn which depending on what they are watching can be verrrry far off; and most women learn from romantic films, equally misleading. Toss in Viagra and Cialis marketing to healthy young men and university students and expectations can be very far off indeed.

I think it is wise to learn what the other gender's struggles are. As I read the men's comments they are most distressed by not being sure of the woman's level of interest in them personally, sincerity (interested in another, not wanting marriage at this point in time) and in meeting family and social expectations re: being an adequate provider. I agree with the one who said fear of rejection is universal. It is one of the main reasons people have trouble giving and perceiving clear signals.

A lot of what I talk about in therapy with singles is their wondering about the signals of the other person. Are we friends? romantic? committed? Does s/h like ma? like like or just like? etc.

With couples it is similar, but more around communication issues, and fears about hurting or being hurt, being misunderstood, keeping the romance. One thing marital therapy offers is a safe place to express disagreement and know the therapist will control the emotional tone, the level of conflict and make sure each one gets heard. I have had one couple in therapy who used to save their arguments for therapy time so I would help them actually articulate anything. They were so afraid of losing each other that dissent rapidly turned to awkward silence, pseudo-agreement or walking away. They eventually got better and handling this outside therapy using what they had learned in therapy about their own levels of commitment and how to disagree positively.

Nice comeback post!

single4now said...

lol. The only KIA I know is the car. :P MashaAllah, everytime you post a comment, I love what you have to say.

Yes, I think the biggest question is "like me as a friend" or "like me as a potential husband/wife". It's definitely difficult to propose to someone you don't even know is interested in marriage or not. Theoretically, the guys I would have considered proposing, the first thing I'd do is find out if they are looking to get married and if they are, then who are their parents looking for. That way you know if I will be rejected by their parents based on ethnicity, etc. Doing the asking yourself takes a lot of time if you want to be subtle. It's quicker to ask a 3rd party to do it. Not to mention less hurtful if you get rejected.

Wow, marriage therapy. I feel like probably every couple needs a premarital counselling or course because there is so much we don't realize about marriage. Or we've heard/know about it but fail to understand how to put it into action. And it's fine in the initial stages when people are newly weds and the spouses are in their honeymoon phase but it gets progressively harder.

Thank you for the welcome. And thank you for you lovely insight. :D

Chiara said...

LOL :)

Good thing you weren't KIA and are no longer MIA.

Thanks for your kind words. I guess if you are participating in a matrimonial site it would be okay to state flat up that you are interested only in people who are genuinely looking for a marriage partner and willing to respect your protocols on how that is done.

That still leaves the question if a given 2 individuals are matching up as good marriage partners or just friends, or neither. That can really only be ascertained by exploring criteria together and getting to know each other's values and attitudes, ways of handling discussion, disagreement, potential miscommunications, feelings, etc.

I think in a way it is better to be clear about ethnicity and race (and religion) if one knows for sure that one will only consider certain people. I read a philosophical paper once about how this was not racist but racial, and realistic. In other words one may have a preference for whatever reason without necessarily being racist.

I have friends who are a married Korean Canadian couple. They are both clear that they were looking to marry a Korean or Korean Canadian because of their family expectations and influence. The fellow is in Canada since age 9 and clearly prefers non-Korean women, and highly Canadianized women. The woman came here aged 16 and is much more Korea in her likes, dislikes, attitudes etc. She only thinks of non-Koreans in a hypothetical, and thinks Canadians are much less patriarchal than Koreans. In a way they are suited because if he were more traditionally Korean she would have problems. He puts up with and goes around her Koreanness eg. makes his own dinner because he doesn't like Korean food and she only cooks Korean.

They have been very close to divorce twice and are mainly together because of the kids (him) and the money (her). They have been through marital counselling which helped somewhat. Ultimately I think they will stay together until their daughters are adults, and by then will have mellowed out. Though they both married relatively late (her 38, him 40) and are stuck in their ways they have a deep bond that helps them pull back from the brink of divorce.

The other area that one should be clear about is religion. This couple are also a Catholic/Atheist mix, not always easy though that seems to bother them less. They have reversed their positions on abortion since having an autistic daughter: he from willing to abort a third girl in an attempt to get a boy, to no abortion no matter what; hers from no abortion no matter what to willing to abort any fetus with a defect, including autism if it could be detected.

Just to say that you do your preparation, and then marriage still has challenges and surprises and people continue to evolve. Ultimately what happens most is mutual respect, shared goals, ability to manage conflict, and flexibility.