Friday, 15 April 2011

Confusion

Last month I started to communicate with a brother who seemed quite interested in me. He seemed fine but I didn't seem to be getting actual answers from him when I was trying to get to know him. His responses were quite general and short. It didn't really feel normal. Then he wanted to jump from mails to messengers and I wasn't sure if he's really serious. I decided to take a chance and give it to him anyway hoping the faster communication will help. And now he has disappeared. I found that a little funny. Perhaps he got too impatient even though I had a genuine reason for a delay in responding.

In the mean time, another brother got in touch with me (he requested my email) and he also seemed quite interested but I think my questions have scared him because he hasn't answered any. They weren't even scary questions. lol. I'm not sure how people get to know each other if they don't ask or expect to get asked questions? We had some small talk in between and I went with it because I wanted him to feel at ease while communicating with me. Now he wants see more pictures of me. I guess men make majority of their decisions based on looks. But all I want to know is if we are even compatible.

This process is getting weirder day by day. lol.

17 comments:

y said...

salam,
i haven't commented in a long time, sorry, but here i am again...lol. just a few thoughts i guess.

i think email is good, but its not very interactive, and in some ways i think that messengers, like AIM or gchat and stuff like that is better, because you can get like instant answers to your questions. i guess the downside is that people dont have the time to really think through their answers to give as accurate answers as possible. email also has kind of a distance to it, because when you write something, the other person isn't there, which is good for like modesty purposes and stuff, but maybe like the bro wants to like talk to someone as directly as possible or something, so that may be his intention.

also, i was wondering if maybe you could have a post where you list some of the 'scary questions' you sent, if the questions aren't like private or something, so that like some of us could have some idea of good questions to ask prospects. thanks.

Adib said...

Great, I sent a really long message and I don't even know if it got sent due to this weird blogger error. Blah.

Adib said...

(2nd attempt to post. Rewrote this comment all over again)

Assalaamu'alaikum sister!

Aren't you worried about Shaytaan being the third party when sending private emails? Don't get me wrong, I'm not forcing my opinions upon you in case you're holding on to another opinion. It's just that I've been facing a particular problem lately.

I found this sister on a matrimonial site and discovered that she had appointed her teacher to watch over her matrimonial inbox. I got the contact number of her teacher and to cut things short, I finally got to meet with her family at her house.

On the next week, I contacted the teacher to ask when would be the next interaction and he got confused with me. He said things like, "what? you want another meeting? Isn't the first meeting enough? What more do you want to know? What aren't you satisfied about?"

I was stumped and silenced with his questions. He made me feel as though I'm some weird, annoying guy on the internet. It was a moment of embarrassment and confusion. I didn't feel like getting married anymore!

The next day I thought over what I had done and came to a conclusion that his version of getting to know a potential spouse is making the initial meeting, praying istikhara and putting her into a list of potential choices for marriage.

Whereas my version is looking at the spouse, meeting with her family and interacting on a daily/weekly basis to see how we can work on the weakness and goals of one another.

Right now it seems like there's a void that's keeping us from getting to know each other through halaal interactions.

Looking forward to your response as I'm on the verge of letting her go.

JazakAllaah khair sister.

single4now said...

y - walaikumasalam,
I get that but he disappeared thereafter. Although, I didn't really check my inbox to make sure. Maybe it's because he didn't sense the same urgency in me.
As for the questions, they were directed at information about himself and what he was looking for. So it is more specific to him and me and probably not something that most people could use. But I did provide a link to a 100 premarital questions located in the right hand column of my blog. You can check that out.

Adib - walaikumasalam,
It's actually best if you can have someone read over your messages or are forwarded to a wali. I personally try not to get too informal in my communications but then I haven't had an issue as yet where I got attached to someone. It could also be that I don't prolong communications. Usually, I'm trying to understand what they are looking for and who they are so I can figure out if we are compatible.
As for your case, I think it was wrong of the teacher to try and limit your visits. Isn't the prophet's hadith specific to looking as much as you want before you are satisfied to get married? As long as you are meeting in both you family's presence and have consents, then I don't see why it's wrong. The teacher may even be ruining the girl's chances to get married if she's driving away prospective spouses. Why don't you ask for her parent's contact number and speak to them directly about meeting their daughter a few more times? Set up a meeting that all of you are comfortable with instead of backing away. Especially if you feel this girl is someone you like.
One thing that you should take caution with is dragging it out until you are sure. No one is going to be perfect and we aren't perfect ourselves and the more you interact face to face, the greater the likelihood of shaitaan trying to sway you. Figure out what's important to you and if she has it and ask her what she's looking for. If you both feel comfortable with the most important aspects, you can figure out a way to work through the rest. The important thing is to accept a person as they are now. Are you comfortable with them never changing? If you are, then you should be good to go. And definitely pray istikhara too.

Adib said...

Well I wouldn't really say that he was limiting my visits. It could be that he thought I was satisfied with one visit. And now that I had asked him for another, his surprised reaction was what made me feel embarrassed.

You're right, I should get the contact number for one of her family members.

And alhamdulillah, I read through your advice a few more times. You definitely gave me some good points to think about and keep in mind. BarakAllaah feek!

The Good Daughter said...

I wanted to warn you that perhaps the brother who wanted you to "chat" does not have pure intentions as I also fell into this trap when I first started meeting brothers online. So, please be careful! Also, the right brother will most likely want to talk to you and get to know you before he ever asks for more pictures. My fiance only saw one picture of me before we actually met!

Patricia said...

As -salaam alaykum, I totally understand! I was recently approached by a brother and went on a halal date with him. All his answers were general and not very descriptive. I don't believe we're compatible. He finds me attactive and subhanallah, I am but there's more to marriage than beauty. Also, and I will sounds like a hypocrite but I am not attracted to him. He doesn't revolt me, but he is not my "type". Anywho, I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. I'm going to the masjid to learn and meet people. BUt I'm not interested in this man. We are on opposite sides of the planet, and he isn't getting it at all.

A question sister, do you find that despite the deep feel you feel to get married that you are totally uncomfortable when a man YOU JUST MET calls yoy sweetie and habiti? I know I am. I feel like it's just a way to not see me as a person but an object. Maybe I'm reading too much into this? I dunno. Anyway, God Bless!

Ma salaama,
AVB

Patricia said...

Sorry, I thought you were a woman. My apologies.

hijabi.sailoress said...

Salams sister,

when in doubt, pull the wali card.. ;)

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaykum. interesting blog. I have tried matrimonial sites at one time, and my parents have also looked for me. As you said, you either reject, or get rejected. I get upset when i am rejected for looks. I am not ugly, but not gorgeous either. Some would call me cute. I wonder how you deal with rejection. Also, do these sites really work? Did you ever go as far as to actually meet the potential in real life? I am glad i found your site, learned a lot alhamdulillah :) keep blogging. maAssalam.

Anonymous said...

Salam sister!!!!! i am a revert and i find your blog to be very knowledgeable. I too am on a search to find some one to complete me. I am a little lost. can you maybe give me advise on the best way to find a good bride. I don't know too many muslim sisters. Im hoping you can give me some advise on the best way to find someone

SoulSeek said...

Assalamu Alaikum S4N,

Jeepers, this is an easy. If brothers don't respond to questions you find something funny? That right, that's intuition telling you something. Unfortunately, guys around my age group are ridiculously immature. But keep an eye out for the gems. You'll know when you find one.

Any updates?

Anonymous said...

Salaam,

I found your blog a few days ago and alhamdulillah, glad I did - it's a comfort to know others are in the same boat :)

Anyway, I've had the same problem before - the guy messaged me a few times, asked to instant message, asked to see my pic, then said no thanks. Another guy did the same but then asked to see more pictures of me, and seemed to want to keep messaging indefinitely, which I got uncomfortable with, so asked if he wanted to meet (chaperoned) to get a better idea, then he disappeared.

I think some guys seem to be scared that if you behave seriously about the whole communication thing, they'll have to commit, and some guys just like talking to girls.

I think if a guy takes more than a couple of weeks to reply, either he's reeeeeally busy or going through something, he's a commitment-phobe, or he won't reply?

Anyway, what's meant for you will never go by you inshaAllah,

take care

Usman said...

"brother" ??
Weird!!

CATGIRL !! said...

Whoa!! just tomorrow nite i made an 'exclusive' post showing my availability n desire for a Muslim convert o get married under halaal and amicable circumstances.
m sooo glad i stumbled upon urs...
n u n other girls here plzzzz dun call the potential suitors as brother..THEY R NOT- even if u don't plan to marry them. just call them suitors.
i m following ur site. n let's see how this process binds us together.
btw m from Paksitan..i dun get teh idea odf this 'teacher' thingie..though i ma an Istikhara believer,,,

plzz get in touch wid me n follow my blog at

The Emotional Lava

whereartthoumuslimo said...

I totally know what you mean! Alot of guy just want to talk with you and get to know without it leading to anything i.e serious discussion about marriage. Guys like that are best avoided and best to cut contact early on!

CATGIRL !! said...

sorry dear i think i read ADIB's post n was asking YOU wat's meant by a teacher?
also can u plzz tell me here how to find a Muslim revert or even a born Muslim suitor online? i see above a Muslim suitor has made himself available..how do i contact him?
i m SICKKK N TIREDDD of ppl. coming over to our hous eiN paksitan for rishta purpose..it wud b all so heavenly if things cud be settled on teh net at least as far as teh look-decision is concerned-- just accept or reject over the net rather than coming over to my house ...
i really want u to PRACTICALLy show me a way/. which website u use? hav u seen pl. getting married thru one?