Friday, 2 October 2009

Criterias Criterias!

If you are one of those people who has been trying to get married then you have either come across a long list of criterias or thought up your own list of wants and desires in your prospective spouse. However, if you are one of those "open-minded" people who have no such list, you may either not be ready to get marriage, not really sure of what you are looking for or not really aware of your criterias. That may be a rather bold statement to make but it's certainly not meant to be offensive. Many people may not even realize that they do have some idea of what they want. They just haven't figured it out yet.

This brings us to the question - are all these qualities and criterias essential? After all, no one is really perfect. However, I feel that to a certain extent criterias are really helpful. It's very important to have some idea of what you would want in your spouse. After all, this is someone you are planning to spend your whole life with which makes it all the more important to choose carefully. Looking at the current divorce rates among Muslims in various countries, it becomes all the more important to look for the right things. Key word here bring - right. I, too, have my own list of qualities that I'm looking for which I will cover in separate posts, inshaAllah.

The problem with these criterias, however, is people tend to go overboard sometimes and possibly look for things that will not matter in the long run. But how does one know what to look for and what to choose? The way I see it. A person that may be right for me may not be right for someone else and vice versa. And in order to understand what to look for, one must understand themselves first.

For eg, a quiet man may want to marry a girl who is more talkative because he prefers to listen. However, a talkative girl may want to find a man who is also talkative because she prefers to have a partner who she can have a good conversation with rather than someone who responds with one word. There's really no right or wrong here. It's just a matter of understanding yourself in order to understand what you want and how important it is to you.


Indefinable said...

Assalaamu alaykum warahmatullah,

:D mashaa'Allah loving the blog, great colours, great theme, and loooove the topic. May Allah bless u with a pious hubby sooooon, Ameeen!!!

xxx <3 xxx

single4now said...

Walaikum as salaam wa rehmatullahi wabarakatahu!

Jazakallah khair! I'm glad you like it. :D Ameen!

Usman said...

"However, if you are one of those "open-minded" people who have no such list, you may either not be ready to get marriage, not really sure of what you are looking for or not really aware of your criterias"

This is one of the most awkward and terrible statement I find in your blog, sorry to say. "Choosing People" is not the same as choosing things. When you want to choose a thing, You make a criteria and a list and then go for the desired thing. When it comes to "choosing people", it is totally the other way around. That is, You connect to people and only then decide if they suit your desires or not.
If you missed that, you missed everything!

single4now said...

Most people do have an idea, whether in their hearts and mind or on paper, of what they are looking for. If you are not sure what you want, you'll never find it.

If you ask your parents to find you someone to marry, you have to give them some kind of an idea, specifics. You don't go talking to a thousand girls to try and find a connection. You select girls to speak to whether it's based on religion, sect, age, nationality, location, specific qualities. "Looking for someone nice" may sound great but it is extremely vague. What you define as "nice" may not be what someone else defines as "nice". What you define as religious may not be what another understands. You need to be specific for which you need to identify who you are really looking for.

I'm sorry if my statement didn't sit well with you. And it is not meant to compare people to things. It's a fact. To reach a goal, you need to lay down specifics, including for marriage. It is the way of successful people whether Muslims or non-Muslims. :)

Usman said...

I will make distinction between having a vague Idea and having a criteria/List. Of course everybody has some vague Idea in his/her mind. For example, a guy would have an Idea that he is looking for a girl :) , an educated one, NOT 20 yrs older than him etc. But a list and a criteria are very specific DEMANDS.

You said:
"You don't go talking to a thousand girls to try and find a connection."

Well, let me say, those who have made an ambitious criteria and List are the one ended up looking for thousands of people to see if they suit to their criteria, and if they set in their imaginative frame they have set for their life partner.

Just like two people don't have identical faces, identical finger prints, in the same way two people do not have identical personality. In fact here it is even more complex and dynamic. So, to find a person who 100% suits to those ten points in our wishes list is very difficult. Some would claim that they succeed in their search according to their wish list. But in practice, they are just overwhelmed by a couple of characteristics they see in their partner and unconsciously gave up the rest of their requirements. This is almost always the case. You embark for something you wish, but ended up something else that Allah has made for you. You like some of it, you dislike some of it. No such thing as "100% click".

I know a distant family friend of mine. She has such a high criteria that, people joke, the man she is looking for has not been made yet :). Wanna know how many yrs it is been she is searching for her dream prince?

single4now said...

It seems you haven't really understood what I'm trying to say. Yes, one shouldn't have extensive criteria but having no criteria doesn't make sense either. Let's say even when we aim to become better Muslims, we keep a goal, either someone we know to be a practicing and good Muslim or the Prophet (saw) himself, etc. Without having some kind of idea in your mind, you'll be looking forever not knowing who you really want or need. For that you need to understand yourself as well.

"Of course everybody has some vague Idea in his/her mind."
I'm saying that not everyone has that idea or knows how to express it. And if they aren't even aware of what they want, they may not be ready for marriage.

era said...

The psychology of Love says our subconscious mind has a list.

I don't have a (conscious) list any more. But not due to any of the reasons u gave. It is because once up on a time I had a good list, but life and this marriage process beat me down that I crossed an item off after each new proposal. Now, after 3 years, I have crossed everything off, feel like a beggar

No I didn’t turn those guys down, they turned me down