Sunday, 4 October 2009

Religiousness & Character

With all the hadith which talk about the importance of deen and character, there should be no doubt how important a role faith plays in a healthy marital relation. If he fears Allah (swt) then he will treat you right. If she fears Allah (swt), she will respect you. And they will love each other for the sake of Allah (swt). Therefor, it becomes extremely important for one to use this as their basic criteria for choosing a spouse.
"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:`The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' ( Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)
However, the difficulty here is that as the ummah grows, so do the divisions. With such varied opinions, how does one find a person who follows their belief system? Does one sacrifice deen in the process? For me, this is not an option and neither is asking/forcing someone to change his opinions for me. If I find that our opinions do not match, I don't see the point in developing the relationship into marriage. Such differences of opinion can, in the long run, lead to marital discord and displeasure with each other. Either the couple discuss a compromise beforehand or separate and continue their search for the right one.

There's one problem I've faced when it came to differences in opinion. After agreeing that we can't compromise, a few of the men continued to criticize my opinion. I'm not sure what they were hoping for? Maybe they thought needed to get in the last word or believed they could argue with me into changing my beliefs and accepting theirs. In most cases, the argument was not even related to something that is fard. Or maybe it was in their minds simply because they had an idea of what they wanted and expected someone to comply with their requests. I may come off as hard-headed here, but it's not a matter of being stubborn. Just a matter of what you think is best for you. I don't see the point in a marriage where one person is expected to compromise and bend backwards to please another who doesn't make any such effort. I don't expect my husband to change for me except by his will and will not force my opinions on him which is why I've been trying to look for someone who's compatible and comfortable with my faith. I am just expecting the same from my husband. To accept me the way I am and appreciate me for it.


If you decide in your meetings with a prospective spouse that you have extremely different opinions on matters that are utmost important to you, why should you go into an argument over it? End the conversation with pleasantries and get on with your lives. Whenever I come across such people, and thankfully it's only been a handful, I've just said alhumdulillah. If this is their behaviour before marriage, it's a good insight into what's to come afterwards.

There's a beautiful hadith that comes to mind that I shall end on:

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.''

[Abu Dawud]

3 comments:

Is-za Jelass said...

Beautiful post sister again.

Indeed someone who has good deen and akhlaq wouldnt be abrasive and disrespectful to someone he/she just met. If you can't manage to put your best foot forward when you meet someone for the possiblity of marriage then its a good indication of how they might treat you once you are married...such as insulting, causing tension, getting angry, and putting their spouse down.

Is-za Jelass said...

Beautiful post sister again.

Indeed someone who has good deen and akhlaq wouldnt be abrasive and disrespectful to someone he/she just met. If you can't manage to put your best foot forward when you meet someone for the possiblity of marriage then its a good indication of how they might treat you once you are married...such as insulting, causing tension, getting angry, and putting their spouse down.

single4now said...

Absolutely. :) In fact, I was told that if you see any such indication from an online profile like rudeness or anger, then you should probably skip that person over.