Saturday, 24 October 2009

Matching Expectations

This is a problem all single Muslims and Muslimahs face. Finding a decent spouse, not in terms of religion, but in terms of matching their criterias and expectations. It's a topic that's being discussed by many sheikhs in trying to solve the marriage problem of Muslim youths. That is, not being able to get married.

One of lectures I've heard, spoke of how single brothers and sisters may attend the same Islamic conferences but never see each other as potential matches. Or brothers and sisters part of the same MSA or other Muslim groups may not consider each other because they may have noticed some faults in their behaviour during the time they've known each other. So, the expectations have gone beyond that of simply religion and have moved on to other things.

Each one of us are looking for perfect qualities that we would like reflected in our spouses but do we see those qualities in ourselves as well? Have we worked on ourselves in the process and are we reflecting internally. Perhaps we are quick to judge others or have fears holding us back. Because we understand ourselves but cannot understand the other person. Is it a good idea to take a risk on a person and give them a chance? Common sense would say yes but is it all that simple when it comes to marriage? Divorce may be an option provided by Allah (swt) but should we jump into marriage hoping for divorce as an option if things don't work out? Again common sense would say no. So where do we set the boundary? Where do we decide that this risk is worth taking or as Desis might say "is this laddoo (sweet) worth eating"?

(original pic here)
I guess part of the reasoning comes if the matter is a major character flaw or a minor one. Similarly, is the expectation something that is extremely important to a person or not so important. If it is something that takes you out of your comfort level then perhaps the risk is not worth taking. But it also depends on how strongly the other person feels about it and what vibes you get from it. There is, however, very little cure for fear and the uncertainty one feels during this process. In that situation, one should make sincere dua to Allah (swt) and follow their heart. If one truly feels unhappy about the situation, then it's better to let it go and pray for the best.

2 comments: said...

I think, and I speak to myself first, that the problem that we are facing is that everyone wants something perfect and if one characteristic of this "perfect person" is shifted or absent we immediately jump to conclusions and run the other way. I am totally guilty of this.

In the case where it only involves the initial inquiry and getting-to-know-you process, who cares if the person isn't perfect?? Give them a chance, see where it goes..and if you find yourself thanking Allah for the option of divorce...make istikhara and go with your gut.

I think the problem with us youth is that we're close-minded. We focus too much on the perfect lives that TV bombards us with that we fail to realize there is more to life. Sure, divorce is an option...but it shouldn't be the fist one to be executed. This is a really big problem in the Muslim Community.

single4now said...

I agree with most of what you've said but I don't think TV is what is influencing Muslims. I could be wrong but I think it may be family, culture, society or just a confused idea about what will make us happy. Definitely fear plays a major role in our selection process. No one wants to get divorced even if they have the option of remarriage.

But you are right, everyone deserves a chance. If it's a character flaw, perhaps the person is trying to work on it. However, is it a good idea to continue communications if you have been put off by the idea of something and may end up giving the other person a wrong impression of your interest?