Friday, 9 October 2009

When You Actually Like Someone...

[My plan was to write about criterias and then move on to other subjects but for now that'll have to wait...]

Normally, I communicate with potential spouses via email. I find it non-threatening. You can think about what you have to say without feeling nervous and it's a quick way of figuring out if you are compatible with a person. I generally try to ask questions that are most important to me and usually it's done in a very formal way as I feel getting too friendly would not be very Islamic. A few seem to think it makes me sound very serious but marriage is after all a very serious matter and it's not that I do not have a sense of humor and such but in this matter I don't find it appropriate.

However, the problem with me comes when I actually like someone because of what I feel is good character and a possible match. Now that makes me nervous irrespective of whether we are communicating via email or not. It makes me think even more of what I should say and I how I should phrase my sentences and at the same time trying to communicate my real opinions. The whole time I'm doing so, I'm thinking at the back of my mind if the conversation is going to end here because our views don't match. And wondering if it's worth losing out on a possibly good match because of a couple of things. Now these things aren't random things. They are important to me and what's important to me, I feel, should also be important to my husband and vice versa but somehow I've noticed if guys are religious, as in really practicing their deen, they are not too liberal or open to differences in opinion which doesn't really go with Islam. And it's not just having differences in opinion, which all couples will have on certain matters, but is there room for compromise? And will that compromise really satisfy both couples or will they end up feeling this is not what they want?

May be I'm afraid of compromise on some level because of the experiences of couples where it turns out more to be a sacrifice on the part of the wives of their desires and even though husbands originally agreed to certain things, soon after marriage they seem to have a change of heart. And it turns into a battle instead of a companionship. May be it's impossible to find someone who thinks exactly like you and has the same mentality but is it really worth it to go into a marriage knowing you may not really be happy? To me, it's not. And when I really like someone I tend to have an internal debate with myself on whether I can sacrifice what I hope for in case there can't be a compromise.

I think there are a few girls like me who have faced this internal battle and decided to choose to remain single until they either meet someone who is willing to accept them as they are or die in hopes of such a person or give up and marry any person just to end their loneliness. As far as their happiness is concerned, only Allah (swt) is aware of that. Some are satisfied in their decisions and some regret it. It's sad to think that simple things like marriage can become so hard and stressful.

In the event that I really can't decide, I'll leave it to Allah (swt) through istikhara and will consult my parents. But somehow my heart and maybe my gut is telling me that I still have some waiting to do.

4 comments: said...

wise words! And got me thinking too .... hmmm let's see... I do get nervous as well when I sense a good potential in the air, and I get so careful with what I say and think and do ...

Your words on compromise, those are food for thought. Sacrificing an imagined happiness is hard, because you really think you've "passed up" on someone... I agree with you one this one.


SoulSeek said...

Assalamu Alaikum,

Now here's a refreshing change . . . It's nice to see a lady quest on the scene!

The pressure builds when you like someone. That's why it's important for both parties to have space and time.

There's a number of issues one can and should compromise on. In marriage both husband and wife will need to make sacrifices and compromises.

One of the keys to a successful marriage is a wife who loves her husband for the sake of Allah(swt) and vice versa. This is essential for a healthy relationship.

Going into a marriage assuming things will be okay is a recipe for disaster. I've seen this time and time again. Amongst expectations (which I recently wrote up on).

Great blog and keep it up!

single4now said...

Quest - Indeed. The thing is that I do understand the guy's point of view as well but I also know myself. I do not want to make my husband feel like I cannot live upto his expectations or try to force him to live according my ideas. I'm really thinking ahead and I reject people not just for my sake but for their sake as well. It is sad when it could be a good match but sometimes it's really confusing.

SoulSeek - thanks for much for your feedback. :) Will definitely check up the post you are talking about.
I understand that there has to be compromise but there are certain things which one finds difficult to compromise on because the potential husband and wife have opposite expectations. In this situation, is it worth putting stress on your spouse after marriage or putting yourself in a situation which you may not be able to work well in? I just felt like the situation wasn't really worth it. But I still maintain the person I was considering was good and perhaps if I felt I could adjust I would have moved forward.

Then again, I'm not disheartened. My intentions are good and if it's meant to be, inshaAllah, things will be easier and the answer will be more clear. :)

era said...

It spoke to me when you said "maybe i am against compromising because of the sacrafice made by those around us". I feel that way & think most girls.

The ideal situation is to accept someone as they are & them accepting u as you are & both agree to look out for eachothers best interest in future