Monday, 1 February 2010

Religious But Not So Educated

When a parent looks for a spouse for their child, they expect to find one who is well educated (if the family is Desi that means Doctor, Engineer and such). Most guys looking to get married also look for a girl who is educated. What about those who are religious but have only studied till high school?

Girls can get away with a low level education to some extent as they'll simply get married and run the household. For guys, especially in this day and age, it can be extremely hard because they are the breadwinners and parents translate education into a secure and happy married life. They aren't completely wrong. So many family problems arise because of the issue of money. It's not unreasonable to think that a man with a good job will be able to take better care of his family than one who is just getting by. It feels unfair to the guys who are good Muslims though.

10 comments:

AlabasterMuslim said...

Its sad that a lot of men (and a lot of women now too) do not get married until a much later age since they feel they must have a high degree, and they feel they cannot get married until they have finished school. Who wants to stay single and a virgin until twenty seven, thirty years old? May Allah swt bless those who are able to accomplish these goals, but no matter what it is a hard thing to do. Having a marriage without money problems is a great way to avoid unnecessary, though. stress/arguments.

single4now said...

Oh I think family plays a big role in that aspect. Girls need parental permission to marry and parents will not marry their daughters if the guy's parents are not involved. The expectation is that the girls educate themselves in case something goes wrong and they need to support themselves and the guys have to get a job before most parents will give their daughters' hand in marriage. It does avoid a lot of stress when you are financially set. When people started losing their jobs in US, many couples ended up in divorce because it was easier to support themselves than the whole family. That's just how bad it can get.

y said...

I think this problem also depends on the profession that the brother is in or plans to be in. I have friends in law school and engineering grad school. As you probably know, the job markets for lawyers and engineers isn't very good, especially in the recession. There is no guarantee that the brother will find a job anytime soon. Most can find part-time jobs, but they don't make as much money, and can't really support a family on that. But those in med school can get married even before graduating, because employment is virtually guaranteed, because of the physician shortage.

single4now said...

Right. It's a tough time. Maybe the best time for guys to start considering marrying doctors. :P

y said...

I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to want their daughter married to someone who has a job. Of course, you're right that if the brother is a good muslim, it does seem unfair. the brother's morals should be the first thing to consider. But I think parents, in particular the father, feel responsible for the welfare of their daughter, and want to keep taking care of them until they are absolutely sure of the other person. i know that's what i would do.

I guess it also depends on the expectations of the couple as well. If the brother isn't making much money, but if the couple both want to live simply and not buy things they don't need, then it shouldn't be much of a problem. People should be saving in this economy anyway, and not buying more houses and cars they can't afford.

It reminds me of a story i heard about the caliph Umar, I think from a lecture online by Suhaib Webb. The caliph walked into the mosque one day, and he saw some people sitting there during the day, and so he asked them what kind of work they did. they replied that they were religious people, and so they didn't have to work. He then scolded them and told them to go out and start working. (I paraphrased the story, of course). I guess it's just that parents don't want their daughter married to someone who claims to be religious but is lazy and stuff. Of course, some brothers who honestly can't find work are grouped in with the lazy ones, unfortunately, but I think the parents do the best they can.

single4now said...

MashaAllah great points. Yes, definitely. As long as parents have good reasons for their decisions which are based on logic. Sometimes it's hard to understand that when we are young but our parents have experienced life and they do tend to, generally, know what's in our best interest.

Usman said...

Aren't you contradicting yourself in this post as compare to the previous: "does look matter" post?

If one should not be stressing on look and should care more about character when looking for bride, then why the criteria changes when it comes to looking for groom? Why not go for a good character, a good person instead of specifically looking for a Doctor or an Engineer?

I know a relative of mine who wanted to get a Son in Law who should be a doctor, no matter what. Being a doctor was their sole criteria, everything else was secondary. They actually did succeed in their goal, and fortunately, the guy turned out to be a good person. They are happily married with children. But question remains about their immature worldly intentions.

single4now said...

I'm sorry but I'm not sure what bit you feel is a contradiction. I am actually sympathizing with those who get rejected because of the money/education factor. I do not deny looks are important to a certain degree when it comes to attraction. But looks shouldn't become the sole criteria without considering the religion. I believe I have mentioned earlier that I dislike those who contact me solely because they find me attractive. I find that superficial and frankly don't trust their long term commitment.
Regarding occupation, I can understand why parents give importance to it. They want security and they believe that more money a guy has, the more secure their daughters will be. However, a man may be rich but might live as a pauper and be stingy when it comes to spending on his wife unless he is pious and of good character. When a person has too much money, they get obsessed with the dunya and forget to take care of their akhirah. Which is why one should marry a man who is best in character & piety first and if he can support you, there's nothing better. If he cannot support you, then he has to figure out a way in which he can or perhaps delay the marriage because one of the biggest factors causing problems and marital disputes is the issue of finance. Yes, it's good to have trust in Allah (swt) but as the Prophet (saw) said, "tie your camel first".

era said...

Maybe those brothers with lower 25% of education propose to
1) if he has guts, to the sisters with highest 25% of educated population. we know these sisters don't get many proposals because guys are scared of wife who is more educated then him. A high educated sister will be amused with his guts and his labor skill

2) if he doesn't have the guts to do #1 then, propose to the not so good looking sisters who are also being rejected for something silly

There are plenty of guys/girls to go around. Yes being in the extrem end makes it difficult but there are plenty of others who are in extrem end waiting to be proposed.

single4now said...

Era - that's definitely an interesting way to approach matters. However, an educated sister may still want her husband to have at least a college degree level of education so that he can support her. As for looks, I think that's very subjective so it's difficult to characterize who is good looking and who isn't. I would definitely suggest brothers to study further and show that you can be a hard working spouse and take care of a family and impress a prospective spouse & her family in that manner.