Friday, 5 February 2010


I was reading some comments on a website of girls and their experience in spouse hunting. One had written about asking questions, among which you don't simply ask if they've been with girls, but you also ask about guys. She said she's saying this based on her own experience. And it was shocking!

Generally, I don't delve into such details of the past but she really worried me. The last thing a guy who has homosexual feelings and relationships should do is consider marrying a girl to rid himself of those feelings. It's not something that having a wife can fix. Neither is it fair to the wife nor himself.

I have known situations where guys who claimed to be homosexual ended up being forced to marry a "beautiful" girl to "fix" him. But it never came to mind when searching for a spouse for myself until now. May Allah (swt) save us from such situations when looking for honest and good Muslim spouses to fulfill half their deen. Ameen.


AlabasterMuslim said...

My Aunts best friend married a gay man. Well, I'm not sure when he decided he was gay...but they had been married for a long time (like ten years) and he was SO against to the point where he'd want to beat one up. And then one day she came home and saw him tv. You know what I mean? so gross. Needless to say, after waisting a big part of her life, they divorced. It is a very sad situation to be in. I never thought of asking my husband though! Good advice you are giving here, you can never be too careful.

single4now said...

Actually, I can't even begin to imagine how one can ask such a question. If it's false, it's the worst thing you can say to a guy you are talking to for marriage. I guess like any other thing, one needs to look for clues. It's unfortunate for your aunt's best friend. Scary too.

Husain said...

Homosexuality in non-scientific terms - is a symptom not a disease of our Muslim Community.

It has more in common with an unbalanced mental state of mind. This state could result in alcoholism, violent aggressive behavior and suicidal tendencies than something which someone does more consciously. You can spot these unfortunates out as they generally exhibit weak social skills, have had a nightmarish past and are longing for affection. Very few of them would turn out to be really sadistic.

But before I get attacked by 'secular humanists' that thats just rude and insensitive of me to label all homosexuals such - I believe what's been mentioned above is mainly true for Muslim and Asian communities - primarily because of the 'value system' and the 'ethical code of conduct' that every Muslim is born into - whether practicing or non-practicing is not the issue. Because its far, far too difficult to break away from social taboos and risk excommunication. Only someone without any fear and blatant disregard for the moral code would not think so irrationally. Its not a choice thing for Muslims (atleast). Perhaps it is a "choice" thing and a decrepit form of "finding myself" for Western counter cultures. But that's a different discussion.

So how does all of this help in spouse hunting ?

Its quite simple actually - you wouldn't need to be quite blunt by asking " do you see more in brother than you would be expected to ?"

Rather, the most important question one must arrive at is: "Is this person of a sound character, honest disposition and God fearing". More often than not well meaning and balanced individuals will not turn out to have a dark dark underside of them.

You should be fine, though these horror stories are becoming more and more common, it is still a rare phenomenon. Have faith and make Dua'a.

Disclaimer: I am no social anthropological expert, simply an observer. No offense is also intended to those people who were born with such tendencies. Genes do play a role in some cases. Measures to "treat" them by getting them married to 'buutiful gurl from back home' is despicable.

y said...


Wow, I did not see this I've never heard of this kind of thing being a problem, but I guess it may be.
Of course, it is immoral for a person to deceive another person into marrying them, if that is what is going on. And I don't think it's wrong to ask someone if they are getting married to get 'fixed'. But I guess it would be wise to preface the question with lots of other things such as by telling them that you are asking not because you think they are lying to you or something, but because you know of some other people who did lie. I don't know, just my opinion.

single4now said...

Sorry for not responding earlier. I had read the replies but I've had so much on my mind that I just didn't have the time to sit and jot down my thoughts.

Husain - psychiatry as far as I know considers homosexuality a norm. I tend to find it strange because if one things about it logically (which is what science is about), homosexuality doesn't make sense, at least to me. As Christians often tend to put it, "it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve".
Then again, the mind is extremely complex and one only knows what they feel to be right.
I don't necessarily think it's easy to discover someone who is homosexual in the way that they dress, walk, talk, etc because many times, they are no different from others and many times don't even realize they have homosexual inclinations. Infact, often those who we believe to be the "typical" homosexual individuals are, infact, comfortable with their homosexuality and those are not the people a sister would have to be concerned about. It would most likely be a brother who is seemingly normal but hasn't realized he is internally confused.
I knew of a brother, although not personally, who used to claim openly to be homosexual (which I'm not sure if it was true or not) and would act very feminine. He was then married off to a girl. After marriage, everyone noticed changes in his demeanor and claimed he became more manly. His wife also gave birth to their child within a yr. I'm not sure what happened beyond that to him and if marriage had cured/changed him.
Khair, I think most often this is not a problem coz this was the first time I had ever heard about it being an issue.

y - I really doubt I can bring it up even as a passing question. If I was really that concerned, I would probably just end the conversation. Although, I have heard of a few Muslim brothers who feel they are gay, however, they had never acted on their feelings. I can imagine it being a struggle since Islam clearly forbids homosexuality. Wish I had a better idea about the nature of homosexuality but I've not found any good resources talking about it. I wonder if there was anyone who successfully "cured" himself of those feelings. Or is it something like, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic".

Anonymous said...

Salam.I hope Muslims could be more tolerant and forgiving.There are homosexuals who have been struggling to tweak their preferences.It is not easy.Here we are talking about changing our likes.I know this ver well because I was one myself.I dont have any bad history of family problems etc.Im one of the lucky girls who grew up in a loving,well protected almost perfect world.Please my dear brothers and sisters, there are people like me who really wants to lead our lives like any one of you.and we are constantly battling with our sexuality.Alhamdulillah for me, I am standing firm in this struggle. I have left my past life and embarking on a new way of life that Islam recommends.It is not nice to say that we find someone of the opposite gender to fix us.Why we did that is because,we are giving ourselves a chance to try living a proper life.I cry during my prayers asking Allah to make this battle easy for me. I hope more muslims will show mercy towards homosexuals,especially for those who knows what they are doing is wrong. what we need is to see the beautiful side of Islam.and sometimes,we need people to show us that. And you being a hetero, is one of the best ambassador.Dont dictate, show care. I am sure there are many homosexual males and females wish for some nice Muslim brother or sister to help to pull them out of the pit. instead of jeering or worse, making assumptions. people like me deserves chances too.
Yes I was an "alcoholic", but I asked Allah to give me strength to pull myself out. So if Allah the Almighty could give me some strength because He knows I really want to be a better person, why cant ordinary people stop judging and help us to see how caring and forgiving Muslims are? and hopefully, as the day passes.. homosexuals will realise and change their ways.keep them is your duaa, and keep me too in your duaa. greatly appreciated.