Tuesday, 10 November 2009

The Age Factor

Although not a problem for most Muslims getting married, it is a problem for some Muslim brothers and sisters. It's interesting to see that brothers and sisters face difficulties in getting married when they are at different "extremes" of age. Most brothers find it harder to get married when they are younger (18 - 21) whereas most sisters find it harder to get married as they approach the big 30s!

Who decides what is a good age to get married at? Primarily, it's our family, our society and our culture. But at times, we are the ones creating problems for our own brothers and sisters.

For the younger brothers, the problem lies in 2 specific matters. First, the issue of maturity (or lack of it in some cases which is subjective) as sisters of the same age or older do not seem to find it matches to their level. Second, the issue of being able to be responsible for a family. Every father wants that his daughter should be looked after properly by their husband and the way this is seen is by contemplating upon the education one has or the job one is pursuing. Many sisters may or may not willingly agree to this.

Pic taken from here.
For older sisters, the issue becomes of beauty. It is extremely obvious that brothers are looking for an attractive spouse and so most older brothers naturally look for it in much younger sisters ignoring the sisters who are of their own age group. This leads to the rise in the number of sisters who are older and single. And because the younger sisters tend to marry much older brothers for their maturity and jobs, the brothers of their ages find it harder to get married. This has lead to a new trend among Muslims (although not so popular as yet) of younger brothers preferring to marry older sisters for their patience and, perhaps, independence, giving them time to stand up on their own feet.

Although we talk about the marriage of Prophet Muhammad (saw) to Khadija (ra) and how it is acceptable for a younger guy to marry an older lady, we rarely choose to apply this to ourselves and give ourselves and the potential spouses, who are slightly outside our age range, a chance to get to know for marriage. Perhaps, if this trend were more popular, it would increase the chances of both brothers and sisters getting married and of course, increasing one's options. Just a thought. :)

24 comments:

Mon Vie & Etc said...

This age stuff links in with society and culture. In western society it's kinda unusuall for a older man you marry and young woman or vice versa. Whereas in other cultures it's perfectly fine for a 21 year old to get married to a 45 year or an older woman getting married to a younger man. I think we all are heavily influenced by our cultures, whether we like it or not (or even know). I was so shocked by that image...just staring at the picture like...@@
O

single4now said...

In the west, it is still common for an older man to be with a younger woman, take for example Donald trump. However, we see very few examples of an older woman with a younger man, maybe Demi Moore.

Even in Desi culture, I have seen girls marry guys upto 10 yrs older men but we rarely see the reverse happening.

That picture just fit so perfectly with this topic because it shows what the cultural mentality is when it comes to the "perfect bride".

Habibti said...

im experiencing this. things can be more complicated than you think.

single4now said...

^ InshaAllah khair dear. Care to share? Maybe it's something I haven't thought of?

Habibti said...

lol its nothing. dont really want to talk about it on the net but things can definitely be more complicatd lol

single4now said...

Oh, sure no problem. :) Just read istikhara for anything you are confused about and if it's really bothering you then perhaps its not worth proceeding forward.

Husain said...

Love the ads ! They crack me up. Its the height of lunacy.

Good topic. The dreaded age issue. I was told age is just a number. Frankly, nothing could be farther from the truth.

We still are besotted with Fairness, Height, Privileged backgrounds, Age and above all the ability to cook !

I met this old weary but pleasant fellow in Istanbul a little while back. I was trying to buy a rather nice Turkish Trenchcoat (the really cool ones they wear before Friday prayers). The shopkeeper asked me, "why haven't you gotten married yet ?". I told him "Yakhi, I am still figuring out the head from my heart". He simply replied:

"Get married as early as you can, don't delay. You might end up in a shop selling antiques one day".

I paid the full price and didn't bother negotiating.

Habibti said...

i have been making istikhara for months about it. and i feel like i got the answer. im not really confused about it lol. it just cannot be. just being realistic hehehhehe its all good.

single4now said...

Husain - Interesting person indeed. And a very interesting suggestion. In a way, he's absolutely right. You'll never find a perfect person. But the heart just doesn't agree does it?

Habibti - In that case, I would suggest letting the person know because they may have high expectations and the longer you wait, the worse they will feel when they are let down. :)

Husain said...

Ah yes the matters of the heart. Difficult to suppress, difficult to ignite - like a flame, spreads the light but has the ability to burn.

single4now said...

Nice, mashaAllah. Did you write that? Do you blog as well?

Husain said...

Ofcourse. Writing is the only way I maintain my sanity (my mum though thinks thats the reason I am insane).

But I do not blog. Left 3 years ago, remember.

Habibti said...

lol dont worry noone is having expectations from me. its all good and behind me alhamdoulilah

single4now said...

Husain - ah mums, gotta love their funny comments. :D

Habibti - alhumdulillah. :D

Maha Noor Elahi said...

This is my first visit for this blog and i don't think it's going to be the last.

As a married woman i can say that age doesn't really matters as long as the couple have mutual understanding and determination to make the marraige work.
How to convince a whole society of that?
That's the new generation's job. Be strong and fight for what you think is right.
God bless you!

single4now said...

Jazakillah khair Maha. InshaAllah, looking forward to hearing more from you on my other posts. :)

Regarding age, I agree. Currently our society is run by prejudice and misconception on what it takes to have a long lasting marriage. Considering the number of divorces among such Muslim couples, it should be obvious that certain things that are not so important are being given way more importance in our lives. One such factor is age.

In all honesty, until a yr or so back when I was contacted by a younger brother for marriage, I had never even considered marrying someone younger to me as an option. But over time, I've felt like we make too many decisions based on what we feel is right by society and not what's right by deen. However, my decision to not marry that particular brother was because of him not being very particular about deen. May Allah make it easy for him. Ameen.

Usman said...

My Ideal age for the girl?..mmmmmmm.., I think two yrs older than me. The reason I will discuss in some new post if you come around this topic again. Bottom line, My preference is girl of my age or older than me. :)

andalousia said...

I can so relate to this age issue!
Another problem is that although one gets older, the prey pattern does not change accordingly!
I've always especially liked brothers in their mid to late twenties for their mindset and attitude. This hasn't changed although I'm approaching the dreaded 30 myself. I guess there must be plenty of other girls with the same liking because none of those fine brothers remained unmarried to join the spinster/bachelor-ranks...

@usman: That's a model equation with n unknowns. I'm sure there is a mathematical formula out there to work out your age.

andalousia said...

I can so relate to this age issue!
Another problem is that although one gets older, the prey pattern does not change accordingly!
I've always especially liked brothers in their mid to late twenties for their mindset and attitude. This hasn't changed although I'm approaching the dreaded 30 myself. I guess there must be plenty of other girls with the same liking because none of those fine brothers remained unmarried to join the spinster/bachelor-ranks...

@usman: That's a model equation with n unknowns. I'm sure there is a mathematical formula out there to work out your age

single4now said...

I'm sure you'll find some. :) Start with looking in places you didn't think of trying before.

Usman said...

btw, where do you ladies have uploaded your profiles? I would like to see if you don't mind. After all, I am also a candidate :)

single4now said...

Or you can simply register yourself and check out profiles you are actually interested in. :)

andalousia said...

ermmm, let me think...places I haven't tried before...hmm...any idea when space flight will be made open to the public?

I might resort to a decent Martian then!

jazakallah khair for the tip :)

single4now said...

lol. I know how you feel. Have you tried networking and asking people who you feel are good Muslims to look for you?