Thursday, 12 November 2009

Disturbing Set-Ups

Have you ever been set up by a "friend" or a family member except the people didn't have your best interests at heart? I have. Thankfully just a few times.

I didn't ask these people to try to find someone for me to marry because I don't trust their choices. A couple of them aren't what I would consider really good or practicing Muslims. One seemed to be intelligent but on inquiring about the person I realized it didn't matter what the guy was like just as long as I wasn't being choosy. It's the concept of just get married even if it's a miserable life because you aren't worth anything without a marriage. And the person got offended that I refused to talk to the guy. That itself told me this person doesn't care about me. None of these people are my parents. Infact, I would have been happy if my parents would have found the person but they left the decision upto me as long as he meets a few of their criteria. Alhumdulillah. I refused to discuss the matter with 2 such people and the others my parents ignored their suggestions because they knew what the people were like.

I dislike how insincere people are and they try to force you into accepting their insincere gestures and hope the worst for you. It would be better if such people don't bother helping me and let me make the decisions since my parents have given me that freedom.

PS: This isn't meant to be a rant, just a distasteful experience.


Habibti said...

i never had this experience yet. noone tried to set me up with anyone alhamdoulilah. and i dont trust the suggestions so far i received.

NidalM said...

I've wondered about this phenomenon as well. And it's very present for guys too.

Everybody seems to know a great girl that they want me to marry. While I think most people aren't outright malicious in this regard, they for some reason would like nothing better than to be the ones that made the match. The reason still eludes me. Perhaps there's some major brownie points in it for them.

My extended family, which is spread out throughout Pakistan and North America all seem to insist I marry someone from their respective cities. There appears to be no regard for compatibility, as you've noted as well. All they seem to say is "she's beautiful" or "you'll look so good together". As if the only reason to get married is for the wedding pictures. They just don't realize that after the festivities are over, we actually have to live with each other.

Its all temporary though. The minute you get married, people stop caring and move on to the next most eligible bachelor(ette).

single4now said...

Habibti - alhumdulillah you haven't experienced this yet. It can be frustrating at times. It's one thing to have your parents ask you for your opinion. You can refuse someone or at least talk to them about what you are really looking for. But in the case of distant relatives or even close relatives, they tend to not have much of a care about your future but just that you don't sit around being single.

NidalM - thanks for taking the time to drop by and leave a comment.

Luckily for you, your relatives felt the girl was great. The people who've made suggestions to me and my family would not marry their own daughter to the guy. This is how I know of their intention and sincerity.

Beauty definitely is a big criteria when getting guys married and a lot of guys have the same ideas about a perfect wife. I guess we can blame their families for it to an extent. :) For a guy, it's always his education and work. Although, I feel the girls' parents are becoming more flexible.

Absolutely agree with the last statement. After you are married, suddenly no one asks about you. You have nothing more to look forward to. It was all about the party, the food, the dancing and getting dressed in good clothes. :)

Somewhere in time said...

Alsalam alaykum sister,
I totally agree with you, My experience was with friends unfortunately, one guy turned out to be a jerk who did not actually wanted to get married had lots of psychological and personality issues, the second was a SCAMMER.

Relatives, I guess they never mentioned me if any one was looking lol.

My parents also left the decision for me which is good but may be bad especially with some one like me who can't easily say yes. now I know I don't have anymore chance.

All I was looking for was some one who fears Allah no double standards, I did not have a problem marrying a revert/convert.
Anyway, alhamdulillah, only Allah knows whats best for me.

single4now said...

Walaikum as salaam Somewhere in time,

Thanks for dropping by. It's unfortunate that you had a bad experience during the search process. However, I don't think you should give up. There are plenty of Muslim matrimonials online where all you have to do is create a profile and you have access to a lot of people. Generally you can tell by their profile content about who seems sincerely interested in getting married. Talk to a few of them and see if you have common ideas and practice religion with the same enthusiasm. And for the final decision, pray istikhara and seek the opinion of your parents.

One of the ways you can tell someone is serious is by asking questions. If the person doesn't really answer or ask any questions then that person most likely is not interested or not ready to get married. So, think about what's important to you and ask questions relating to that. I've posted a link from sunnipath on a 100 such questions. You can find it on the right sidebar.

As for scammers, they are generally looking for money. At some point or the other, the scammer will ask you for money. Just cut the conversation at that point. You don't need to give excuses.

If you are open to the idea of reverts and converts then that's great because there are many guys who don't have the same opportunity of finding a spouse as female counterparts. But you should consult with your parents and get an idea about how they feel about them because you don't want to go ahead only to realize your parents are not keen on such a marriage.

InshaAllah you find a wonderful husband soon. :D

single4now said...


Somewhere in time said...

Alsalam alaykum single4now,

Thank you for your sweet reply.

I really pray to Allah to find me a good husband.

Inshaa'Allah you will too :)