Tuesday, 24 November 2009

A Few Questions For My Readers

As salaam walaikum all,

I've been wondering what people think of when they think about their married life. How do they picture it? Do guys picture things differently from the way girls do or is there a common ground that we don't realize? So, it would be great if you can help me (and possibly others) understand this by answering a few questions.

1. Besides the basics - looks, deen, financial stability, etc what are the qualities that you really look for or hope to find in your spouse?

2. If you could picture a day in your life, 5 yrs after marriage, what would you hope it would be like?

3. What do you think you'd bring to the relationship?

4. What would you be willing to sacrifice for the sake of marriage and your spouse?

I understand some of the questions may be personal so feel free to post anonymously but please keep it clean. :)


NidalM said...

1) Honestly, intelligence for one. Being able to have stimulating conversations (and by stimulating I mean intellectually... in case I hear snickering somewhere). Patience, guys tend to get out of line a lot and I would hope somebody who I meet understands that and would be willing to forgive it. And finally, culture. Somebody who has a similar outlook in life to you.

2) Ideally, just like the first day of marriage. But we all know thats unrealistic. Isn't this just like those questions in job interviews where they ask where you see yourself in 5 years? The best answer would be: Whatever my life is like, I'd like for both of us to be happy.

3) The cash. Sorry, bad joke. You bring whatever your spouse is unable or unwilling to bring that you will need to have a successful relationship. If they have the patience, you bring the understanding and gratitude. If you find a good fit, without sacrificing too much (from either side) things may just work out :)

4) This is always a strange question for guys. Since we will always say 'very little'. But when we get to know the person, and yes, fall for them (cue romantic music), the answer quickly changes. Most guys I know will not admit to wanting to get married. But once engagements are announced, they become quite lovey dovey :)

single4now said...

^ Awesome response, mashaAllah. I'm happy to see at least one comment. :D With regards to the 5 yr question, I was trying to see how one imagines a day in their life. I should think, by 5 yrs, the relationship changes or matures rather. Although it may not be exactly like the first day/yr, there'll be more understanding and a greater comfort level.

I also agree with your response to the 4th question. Initially (when spouse hunting), one may not really be willing to sacrifice much but after marriage the love grows and you find yourself giving your spouse first priority without it being asked for. Or at least that's how one should hope it should be. :)

y said...


1. I think mostly, i would want someone who has good morals and values. Like, someone i could trust not to be immodest or flirt with other men. Someone who doesn't tell dirty jokes and say bad stuff like that (that is really unattractive, besides being immoral). I would also want a wife who is always honest and doesn't break promises.

2. I would hope that both of us have greater respect for each other, and that we are both helping each other to be better muslims and people.

3. I think I would bring stability to the marriage, as well as being a good father who teaches the kids good morals, which should impress her ;)

4. I dont think either one of us should sacrifice our morals for the marriage, but anything else, atleast in theory, should be sacrificed.

I have a question, single4now, its kind of off topic, if thats okay. its seems to me that sisters kind of have a double standard when it comes to behavior. Like, when brothers do or talk about something which is kind of inappropriate, its bad (which it is, of course), but when sisters do the same thing, its okay, because its just 'cute girly stuff'. why is that? I don't know, that just kind of bothers me sometimes.
anyway, peace out

single4now said...

Walaikum as salaam bro,

Thanks for dropping by a comment. I agree, it's a turn off when people swear so freely. At least we should make an effort to control it whenever we can.

Regarding sacrifice, one of the things that would be a, perhaps, big sacrifice for most brothers (from reading blogs and such) would be to move from where they are currently settled to a different city (except unless the brothers already have plans to make hijrah & such). Do you agree with that? As a brother (and actually anyone can feel free to respond), what would help you to be more open to make changes/sacrifice something (besides religion and such) for a person you like for marriage?

As far as talking about something inappropriate, it should be avoided by both the brothers and sisters equally. I think to some extent both get labelled as being flirty. Is there anything in particular that you feel is inappropriate but is apparently okay when sisters do it?

Husain said...

I realise its been a while since I visited this blog. Actually I've been on a self-imposed 2 week technology fast (when you don't use the internet, mobile phone, tv etc) in Damascus and Beirut (and yes its possible even there). Well not exactly the mobile phone, how else would mum contact to enquire if I ate on time.

But anyway, I find that the level of curiosity has gone up a notch here and couldn't resist my turn of the dice.

1) Besides the obvious - I would look at her list of qualities and see if I can match up to them. I thought that was the point of 2 people getting married.

2) I wouldn't want to picture it till I don't know whose in the picture. We'll have to wait for that one.

3) Tough one. I think the one thing I can assure the 'mystery one' would be commitment. Real honest to God Commitment.

4) Sacrifice anything that's worth sacrificing for.

Mr. Nidal has some good answers, probably more insight there.. I just brood.

single4now said...

Ah commitment. I'm sure every girl would love to hear that from her husband. :D

Glad you could drop by.

I've realized that most of you haven't defined what you'll sacrifice. I'm pretty much in the same boat. But I'm just happy I'm not the only one. :P I just know, inshaAllah, I won't let my husband down. :)

Husain said...

Is that a proposal for a definition of 'sacrifice' ?

Regardless, allow me to share an experience of mine I had just this last week - couple of days after Eid al Adha. Bear with me for its a little long but one that proved cathartic for me.

As anyone who's been to Damascus will testify - Damascus is one of the 'mother' cities of the world. Its rustic lands has seen thousands of years of sacrifice, perseverance an pillage without batting an eyelid. Undoubtedly its also been the setting of many a romantic dalliances and good old fashioned heroism.

Its fairly common for tourists and enthusiasts to catch a 2 hour Taxi ride from Damascus to Beirut. Its tight, sweaty, scary but its cheap. Like many others I decided to share one with a young Arab couple. They seemed perfectly reasonable and jovial - until we reached the border crossing at Masna'a. Here's when I noticed the young lady reciting dua'as constantly when her partner and myself went to get our respective Passports stamped for entry. Since he was a Syrian, his paper work was done in a matter of 10 minutes. Mine was longer, considerably longer. As a non-Arab Passport holder I was told its often a long wait.

In the meantime the lady, the man and the taxi driver were getting agitated by my delay much to the chargin' of the Immigration guards posted at the checkpoint literally 3 meters away from the car. My fellow travelers weren't allowed to budge until I had returned. I finally came back an agonising hour later and proceeded to show my papers to the officials. After I apologised for my delay - the guard perhaps sensing the heat and tedious delays we faced let us off without check the papers of the rest of us.

Its when we crossed over and nearly reached South Beirut that I saw tears of relief in the eyes of the girl. We dropped them off at Sabra (the infamous Palestinian refugee camp thanks to Mr. Sharon).

I knew something was up but didn't dare ask there. When the driver was dropping me off at downtown Beirut, at my designated hotel, is when I asked him what was all that about. He said the girl who came with us was a resident in Gaza - Palestine. She fell in love and got married over the phone with the Syrian guy a month before Eid. He promised her that he'll come and get her from there and reunite her with her parents who were now living in Lebanon for the last 5 years - even if it cost him his life. It was easier said then done, going there and then getting her back without adequate resources but he did it still.

Now that Ms. Single4now is what real sacrifice is. Its not a preconceived notion of habits that your okay doing away with. Its not necessarily quitting smoking or limiting your time surfing the net or playing pool with your mates only on the weekends. Its about making a promise and sticking to it - even at the cost of your life.

I pray that everyone of us gets to experience the true love of the young couple. Asma and Wa'el.

single4now said...

Indeed. MashaAllah, that's quite beautiful. Ameen. :D

Usman said...

I would like her to be my strength. I won't mind if she gets in leading role and becomes a little dominant at home in married life. I would love this situation. It is far better than having a wife who is just a 'Yes girl' and don't have determination of her own. In Pakistan, it is considered taboo to have this mindset. I was laughed at when I shared this thought with a friend of mine. I don't know why people find it weird even though, in practice, this situation is not uncommon.