Taking My Own Sweet Time

(image source)

I've been guilty of taking my own sweet time in responding to the suitor I'm currently (not-so-regularly) communicating with. I feel like I can't think right now. He's not perfect but then neither am I. I'm not too sure about the location which, of late, has a problem for the people I communicate with. Maybe a couple of years ago, I'd be all for it. Circumstances have changed and now, I'm simply confused. There are other reasons but they are doubts regarding myself and if I can handle the situation I'll be walking into.

Let me clarify. This is a different person than the one I mentioned in the my last blog post. He was fine in every other way except when we spoke about our beliefs. And BOY were they different. I just couldn't relate and I felt that it would create major problems later on. That's the last aspect where I want to have clashes with my husband. Not that I want to have any but I understand that even married couples who love each other have disagreements.

Getting back to the current suitor, he hasn't exactly expressed his need for urgency on the matter either. So maybe we both are in the same position. I know I should just be honest but I've noticed that honesty doesn't always work too well in my favour. Either they are put off and become argumentative or withdraw while making excuses. Not keen on either scenario as of  now. And then that makes me wonder if I can't trust them now, how would we have made things work after marriage.

There are other things on my mind which are giving me the excuse to not think about dealing with this suitor. I suppose I should just get to it. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Right?

Eggshausted...

My situation is slightly funny. Weird funny. Hence the egg reference. I have been speaking to a 'suitor' (I remembered some of you had mentioned me using the term 'brother' was weird so I shall comply and see how I like it). He is a nice person, mashaAllah and I was hoping this would turn out well but then I started getting a strong feeling that he is looking to end it. I decided to stay positive and give it my best but I suppose it was inevitable. I'm not sure about the reasons that I've been given are genuine but I'm not pursuing it any more. It became an investment of too much time and effort for something that wasn't headed anywhere. I'd have to say this was one of the few times I've felt upset over things not working out. But alhumdulillah, things happen for the best and you can't force it.

While feeling a little moody, I happened to receive a message from another suitor who seems nice. Not sure where this will lead but so far the things that seemed to be an issue for the other suitor don't seem to be for him. Alhumdulillah. Only thing that I'm concerned about right now is that he's much younger to me. I don't know of many couples where the wife is older and the husband younger and if there's anything I should be concerned about. Other than that, he seems mature and understanding. Two qualities that are important to me.

After a while, all this hunting gets a bit tiring and emotionally exhausting. If this one doesn't work out, I might take another break. Probably pursue other things in life and forget about marriage if I can. See if I can change other aspects of my life instead of worrying about getting married. Because, if it's never meant to be then I would have missed out on other opportunities as well.

Stuck

A while back I started communicating with a brother. Everything seemed fine but I just didn't feel excited over it. I can't really explain why. At times I felt like it seemed too good to be true which should normally make one happy but I didn't feel it. It's normal for me to not get attached to any of the people I speak to. Nor do I usually get upset over things not working out. At least it doesn't overwhelm me. And I like it that way.

With this brother, I felt we should get to know each other a little bit first before involving pictures and base my reaction and desire to move ahead on his personality and if there's any connection. I was starting to sound pessimistic in my head without any real reason and I was beginning to wonder if those are just fears. After discussing some of the things that are important to me, I decided to move ahead and exchange pictures. Now here's the problem, I'm not attracted to him. Further more things he said initially that he was flexible about are sounding more rigid and the opposite of what I'm looking for. So I'm beginning to wonder if he just wanted to appear flexible to make a good impression but in fact we really want different things.

I've prayed istikhara and a friend mentioned that perhaps my feelings are the answer to my istikhara. On one hand I'd feel guilty if I reject him purely for the attraction factor. Or we may not actually be right for each other. Do I pursue it further or do I cut it short early?

It's unlike me to seek suggestions on my blog but I also have other things on my mind so I may not be making the best decision on my own. Will keep everyone updated.

Do Opposites Attract?

I think it's about time I had a post regarding my search. :P Here goes nothing!

I've been thinking of contacting a brother for a few days now but for several reasons, I've decided against it. One of the reasons is that I feel we are very different. He's definitely more religious than I am which makes me wonder if he'd consider marrying someone who hasn't reached his level of religiousness. Also, his interests seem to be extremely different from mine. There have been very few conversations that we've had (always in a group) and most of the time I have had very little input to offer on the matter because I do not generally enjoy reading/discussing about such topics in great detail. We definitely have different tastes in literature. And as far as I know, Islam may very well be the only thing common between us.

Pretty much the only reason I am even considering him is because he seems to have a very good nature. I've never heard him put down anyone or insult anyone. He definitely has a good sense of humor which he rarely shows but it's always good to know one isn't a completely serious lifeless person. :P

There are a lot of good reasons I can think of why this may not even work out but my friends insist that I should definitely consider at least letting him know of my interest. I suppose you develop an interest in what interests your spouse but I think two people should be able to talk to someone about things they love. I'm just not sure if opposites can truly attract one another.

Matching Expectations

This is a problem all single Muslims and Muslimahs face. Finding a decent spouse, not in terms of religion, but in terms of matching their criterias and expectations. It's a topic that's being discussed by many sheikhs in trying to solve the marriage problem of Muslim youths. That is, not being able to get married.

One of lectures I've heard, spoke of how single brothers and sisters may attend the same Islamic conferences but never see each other as potential matches. Or brothers and sisters part of the same MSA or other Muslim groups may not consider each other because they may have noticed some faults in their behaviour during the time they've known each other. So, the expectations have gone beyond that of simply religion and have moved on to other things.

Each one of us are looking for perfect qualities that we would like reflected in our spouses but do we see those qualities in ourselves as well? Have we worked on ourselves in the process and are we reflecting internally. Perhaps we are quick to judge others or have fears holding us back. Because we understand ourselves but cannot understand the other person. Is it a good idea to take a risk on a person and give them a chance? Common sense would say yes but is it all that simple when it comes to marriage? Divorce may be an option provided by Allah (swt) but should we jump into marriage hoping for divorce as an option if things don't work out? Again common sense would say no. So where do we set the boundary? Where do we decide that this risk is worth taking or as Desis might say "is this laddoo (sweet) worth eating"?

(original pic here)
I guess part of the reasoning comes if the matter is a major character flaw or a minor one. Similarly, is the expectation something that is extremely important to a person or not so important. If it is something that takes you out of your comfort level then perhaps the risk is not worth taking. But it also depends on how strongly the other person feels about it and what vibes you get from it. There is, however, very little cure for fear and the uncertainty one feels during this process. In that situation, one should make sincere dua to Allah (swt) and follow their heart. If one truly feels unhappy about the situation, then it's better to let it go and pray for the best.

When You Actually Like Someone...

[My plan was to write about criterias and then move on to other subjects but for now that'll have to wait...]

Normally, I communicate with potential spouses via email. I find it non-threatening. You can think about what you have to say without feeling nervous and it's a quick way of figuring out if you are compatible with a person. I generally try to ask questions that are most important to me and usually it's done in a very formal way as I feel getting too friendly would not be very Islamic. A few seem to think it makes me sound very serious but marriage is after all a very serious matter and it's not that I do not have a sense of humor and such but in this matter I don't find it appropriate.

However, the problem with me comes when I actually like someone because of what I feel is good character and a possible match. Now that makes me nervous irrespective of whether we are communicating via email or not. It makes me think even more of what I should say and I how I should phrase my sentences and at the same time trying to communicate my real opinions. The whole time I'm doing so, I'm thinking at the back of my mind if the conversation is going to end here because our views don't match. And wondering if it's worth losing out on a possibly good match because of a couple of things. Now these things aren't random things. They are important to me and what's important to me, I feel, should also be important to my husband and vice versa but somehow I've noticed if guys are religious, as in really practicing their deen, they are not too liberal or open to differences in opinion which doesn't really go with Islam. And it's not just having differences in opinion, which all couples will have on certain matters, but is there room for compromise? And will that compromise really satisfy both couples or will they end up feeling this is not what they want?

May be I'm afraid of compromise on some level because of the experiences of couples where it turns out more to be a sacrifice on the part of the wives of their desires and even though husbands originally agreed to certain things, soon after marriage they seem to have a change of heart. And it turns into a battle instead of a companionship. May be it's impossible to find someone who thinks exactly like you and has the same mentality but is it really worth it to go into a marriage knowing you may not really be happy? To me, it's not. And when I really like someone I tend to have an internal debate with myself on whether I can sacrifice what I hope for in case there can't be a compromise.

I think there are a few girls like me who have faced this internal battle and decided to choose to remain single until they either meet someone who is willing to accept them as they are or die in hopes of such a person or give up and marry any person just to end their loneliness. As far as their happiness is concerned, only Allah (swt) is aware of that. Some are satisfied in their decisions and some regret it. It's sad to think that simple things like marriage can become so hard and stressful.

In the event that I really can't decide, I'll leave it to Allah (swt) through istikhara and will consult my parents. But somehow my heart and maybe my gut is telling me that I still have some waiting to do.