Non-Religious Professionals

While going through a bunch of online profiles of professionals in the same field as me as well as other fields, I was surprised to find how many of them don't pray salah on a regular basis. It's disappointing.

Sunan at-Tirmidhi (Jami-al-Tirmidhi) Chapter No: 1, Taharah (Purification)
Hadith no: 4
Narrated: Jabir bin Abdullah
narrated that Allah's Messenger (SAW) said,"They key to paradise is the salah and the key to the salah is ablution." [Ahmed14668]

Is it necessary to compromise your deen in order to have a great career? Or to even do well in it? Or it just the way the world works now? A dedicated worker cannot be a family man/woman, actively working on their imaan and leading a healthy lifestyle? If we have to give up one thing to accommodate another, I have to wonder who made up these rules in the first place.

Religious But Not So Educated

When a parent looks for a spouse for their child, they expect to find one who is well educated (if the family is Desi that means Doctor, Engineer and such). Most guys looking to get married also look for a girl who is educated. What about those who are religious but have only studied till high school?

Girls can get away with a low level education to some extent as they'll simply get married and run the household. For guys, especially in this day and age, it can be extremely hard because they are the breadwinners and parents translate education into a secure and happy married life. They aren't completely wrong. So many family problems arise because of the issue of money. It's not unreasonable to think that a man with a good job will be able to take better care of his family than one who is just getting by. It feels unfair to the guys who are good Muslims though.

Polygamy & Religiousness?

Polygamy is one of the most sensitive topics among Muslims. It is especially a matter of debate among the brothers and sisters and unfortunately, usually leads to brothers and sisters getting into an argument and passing rude comments.

I remember coming across an unfortunate video by a brother commenting about a Muslima sister and how she was a "bad Muslim" because she had her video on youtube (mind you, this was a hijabi Muslima talking about Islam). He mentioned a way to check the religiousness of a sister is to ask her if she would be willing to be in a polygamous marriage. Firstly, I'm not sure why this brother was even watching a video by a Muslima if he felt so strongly about it's wrongness. Secondly, to ridicule her via a video tells me a lot about his own religiousness. Thirdly, I don't see the connection between willingness to be in a polygamous marriage and being a good Muslim. No Muslim can comment on the religiousness of another as only Allah (swt) is aware of what is in His servant's heart.

Agreed, polygamy is allowed in Islam and is optional which means it is NOT compulsory upon every Muslim. Secondly and most importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility & trial not only upon the man but also the wives involved which gives the women a right to choose to participate in it. Strangely enough, I find that most brothers, who are pushing for polygamy and making generalizations about the deen of a woman, are unmarried. I do not see how a brother can completely comprehend the responsibility of having even one wife let alone 2, 3 or 4, without ever being married. Not only that, some knowing that they cannot afford to have so many wives, announce proudly how their wives should live like paupers in order to make this easy on them. I'm sorry but I feel the brothers have completely missed the point of marriage. If a husband cannot support/be equal to more than one wife, then he should limit himself to one as stipulated in the Holy Quran (surah Nisa, ayah 3).

Since this is a huge topic into which I will not delve, I found an interesting article on the matter which anyone interested can read here.

With that said, I do commend all the brothers and sisters who are able to be just and patient with their spouses, irrespective of whether they are in a polygamous relationship or not.


Sorry just had to add a pic to lighten the mood. :P

Defining Religiousness

When it comes to marriage, most Muslims know that they need to look for the best in deen (religion). However, everyone's definition of religiousness is completely different.

Some require a husband/wife to read Quran daily and have part or all of it memorised. Others require that the man goes to mosque everyday and women pray tahajjud every night. Some guys even require that a Muslim woman speak/understand Arabic. Then there are people who measure deen based on the number of Islamic conferences attended, books read, or how involved one is in dawah. This is all good but what if your actions do not sink in and do not bring about a positive change?

A very long time back I spoke to a man who claimed he was Hafiz-e-Quran. I was really not expecting my husband to be one but I was definitely impressed by this fact. Initially our conversation was moderated but he later requested to speak with me privately (online). I agreed as I had a lot to ask since it was still in the early stages. Unfortunately, almost immediately, his true character was revealed. He started swearing as part of a casual conversation and this disturbed me a lot. It is one of the things that completely turns me off and I dislike keeping the company of people who swear out of the fear that I'll start it. If that was not enough, he went from suddenly proposing marriage (which caught me off guard since we hardly spoke) to wanting to "beat me" to asking me when we can meet all within 5 mins. SubhanAllah! I didn't even bother responding after that and I was completely flabbergasted. To think a Hafiz-e-Quran had such a poor character was shocking. I know this is probably a rare incident but it led me to redefine religiousness.

Any person who seems outwardly religious but their character doesn't reflect that cannot really be religious. I understand we are not perfect but there's a difference in qualities that can lead to a disastrous marriage and ones that can be worked on. Aggression and aggressive behaviour, I'm afraid, is not one that I will ever take a chance on. There's a difference between anger and aggression. Everyone gets angry and show it in different ways. Maybe they stop communicating with the person or they get into an argument but aggression is when they threaten you, get physical, include emotional taunts to break you, etc. The former can be managed provided the person is willing to change. The latter requires professional help.

Anyway, I digress. Personally for me, the most important things are a man who at least practices the basic faith - regular salah (prayer), fasting in Ramadan, avoids haram (by eating zabiha/halal foods, avoiding interest, guards himself, etc), has the intention of performing hajj (preferably with his wife :D ), gives zakat (if it is fardh on him). Anything above this is awesome. If he is actively seeking knowledge on Islam and making an effort to become a better Muslim by keeping his actions in check then I've found my perfect match. A Muslim man or woman who is oblivious to their defects in religion isn't really going to do much to change so insight is extremely important when it comes to religion. As far as having a difficult time changing, that can be managed because everyone needs motivation from time to time.

Religiousness & Character

With all the hadith which talk about the importance of deen and character, there should be no doubt how important a role faith plays in a healthy marital relation. If he fears Allah (swt) then he will treat you right. If she fears Allah (swt), she will respect you. And they will love each other for the sake of Allah (swt). Therefor, it becomes extremely important for one to use this as their basic criteria for choosing a spouse.

"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:`The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' ( Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)

However, the difficulty here is that as the ummah grows, so do the divisions. With such varied opinions, how does one find a person who follows their belief system? Does one sacrifice deen in the process? For me, this is not an option and neither is asking/forcing someone to change his opinions for me. If I find that our opinions do not match, I don't see the point in developing the relationship into marriage. Such differences of opinion can, in the long run, lead to marital discord and displeasure with each other. Either the couple discuss a compromise beforehand or separate and continue their search for the right one.

There's one problem I've faced when it came to differences in opinion. After agreeing that we can't compromise, a few of the men continued to criticize my opinion. I'm not sure what they were hoping for? Maybe they thought needed to get in the last word or believed they could argue with me into changing my beliefs and accepting theirs. In most cases, the argument was not even related to something that is fard. Or maybe it was in their minds simply because they had an idea of what they wanted and expected someone to comply with their requests. I may come off as hard-headed here, but it's not a matter of being stubborn. Just a matter of what you think is best for you. I don't see the point in a marriage where one person is expected to compromise and bend backwards to please another who doesn't make any such effort. I don't expect my husband to change for me except by his will and will not force my opinions on him which is why I've been trying to look for someone who's compatible and comfortable with my faith. I am just expecting the same from my husband. To accept me the way I am and appreciate me for it.


If you decide in your meetings with a prospective spouse that you have extremely different opinions on matters that are utmost important to you, why should you go into an argument over it? End the conversation with pleasantries and get on with your lives. Whenever I come across such people, and thankfully it's only been a handful, I've just said alhumdulillah. If this is their behaviour before marriage, it's a good insight into what's to come afterwards.

There's a beautiful hadith that comes to mind that I shall end on:

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.''

[Abu Dawud]