Distraction

Eid Mubarak to my dear blog readers! I'm actually shocked at the number of people following my blog. I find it embarrassing even.

Lately, I've developed a distraction so I spend even less time searching for a soul mate than I actually want to or planned to. I actually didn't think it would be this difficult a process. But perhaps if it was this easy I would have shut down my blog months ago. The hardest thing is liking someone and them liking you back. And then your parents being happy with it. Parents are meant to be your guide and make sure you make the right choice but sometimes they just make it harder by adding in their own criteria. So right now the distraction helps me forget these issues. This is going to take a while.

Considering Someone Younger

Islamically, there's nothing wrong with the husband being younger since Prophet Muhammad (saw) and Khadija (ra) had an amazing marriage together irrespective of their age but they were both amazing people themselves. Extremely mature and level headed.

Recently I started speaking to a brother and we haven't had many conversations or a proper one for that matter but it's only yesterday that I realized that he's younger to me. It puts our conversations into perspective since realizing this fact. I don't think I've made the best impression myself because I felt he was too laid back and I'm getting the feeling he's not really interested even though he initiated the communication. Maybe I'm reading it wrong and he feels it's better to not be too formal. I'm still a little unsure of the right balance. Being formal just seems the safer route for me. Plus it translates your seriousness in the matter.

For now, I'm considering to judge him based on his personality and see if we can be compatible or if he's truly not serious about marriage.

Non-Religious Professionals

While going through a bunch of online profiles of professionals in the same field as me as well as other fields, I was surprised to find how many of them don't pray salah on a regular basis. It's disappointing.

Sunan at-Tirmidhi (Jami-al-Tirmidhi) Chapter No: 1, Taharah (Purification)
Hadith no: 4
Narrated: Jabir bin Abdullah
narrated that Allah's Messenger (SAW) said,"They key to paradise is the salah and the key to the salah is ablution." [Ahmed14668]

Is it necessary to compromise your deen in order to have a great career? Or to even do well in it? Or it just the way the world works now? A dedicated worker cannot be a family man/woman, actively working on their imaan and leading a healthy lifestyle? If we have to give up one thing to accommodate another, I have to wonder who made up these rules in the first place.

Do Opposites Attract?

I think it's about time I had a post regarding my search. :P Here goes nothing!

I've been thinking of contacting a brother for a few days now but for several reasons, I've decided against it. One of the reasons is that I feel we are very different. He's definitely more religious than I am which makes me wonder if he'd consider marrying someone who hasn't reached his level of religiousness. Also, his interests seem to be extremely different from mine. There have been very few conversations that we've had (always in a group) and most of the time I have had very little input to offer on the matter because I do not generally enjoy reading/discussing about such topics in great detail. We definitely have different tastes in literature. And as far as I know, Islam may very well be the only thing common between us.

Pretty much the only reason I am even considering him is because he seems to have a very good nature. I've never heard him put down anyone or insult anyone. He definitely has a good sense of humor which he rarely shows but it's always good to know one isn't a completely serious lifeless person. :P

There are a lot of good reasons I can think of why this may not even work out but my friends insist that I should definitely consider at least letting him know of my interest. I suppose you develop an interest in what interests your spouse but I think two people should be able to talk to someone about things they love. I'm just not sure if opposites can truly attract one another.

Religious But Not So Educated

When a parent looks for a spouse for their child, they expect to find one who is well educated (if the family is Desi that means Doctor, Engineer and such). Most guys looking to get married also look for a girl who is educated. What about those who are religious but have only studied till high school?

Girls can get away with a low level education to some extent as they'll simply get married and run the household. For guys, especially in this day and age, it can be extremely hard because they are the breadwinners and parents translate education into a secure and happy married life. They aren't completely wrong. So many family problems arise because of the issue of money. It's not unreasonable to think that a man with a good job will be able to take better care of his family than one who is just getting by. It feels unfair to the guys who are good Muslims though.

A Few Questions For My Readers

As salaam walaikum all,

I've been wondering what people think of when they think about their married life. How do they picture it? Do guys picture things differently from the way girls do or is there a common ground that we don't realize? So, it would be great if you can help me (and possibly others) understand this by answering a few questions.

1. Besides the basics - looks, deen, financial stability, etc what are the qualities that you really look for or hope to find in your spouse?

2. If you could picture a day in your life, 5 yrs after marriage, what would you hope it would be like?

3. What do you think you'd bring to the relationship?

4. What would you be willing to sacrifice for the sake of marriage and your spouse?

I understand some of the questions may be personal so feel free to post anonymously but please keep it clean. :)

The Age Factor

Although not a problem for most Muslims getting married, it is a problem for some Muslim brothers and sisters. It's interesting to see that brothers and sisters face difficulties in getting married when they are at different "extremes" of age. Most brothers find it harder to get married when they are younger (18 - 21) whereas most sisters find it harder to get married as they approach the big 30s!

Who decides what is a good age to get married at? Primarily, it's our family, our society and our culture. But at times, we are the ones creating problems for our own brothers and sisters.

For the younger brothers, the problem lies in 2 specific matters. First, the issue of maturity (or lack of it in some cases which is subjective) as sisters of the same age or older do not seem to find it matches to their level. Second, the issue of being able to be responsible for a family. Every father wants that his daughter should be looked after properly by their husband and the way this is seen is by contemplating upon the education one has or the job one is pursuing. Many sisters may or may not willingly agree to this.

Pic taken from here.
For older sisters, the issue becomes of beauty. It is extremely obvious that brothers are looking for an attractive spouse and so most older brothers naturally look for it in much younger sisters ignoring the sisters who are of their own age group. This leads to the rise in the number of sisters who are older and single. And because the younger sisters tend to marry much older brothers for their maturity and jobs, the brothers of their ages find it harder to get married. This has lead to a new trend among Muslims (although not so popular as yet) of younger brothers preferring to marry older sisters for their patience and, perhaps, independence, giving them time to stand up on their own feet.

Although we talk about the marriage of Prophet Muhammad (saw) to Khadija (ra) and how it is acceptable for a younger guy to marry an older lady, we rarely choose to apply this to ourselves and give ourselves and the potential spouses, who are slightly outside our age range, a chance to get to know for marriage. Perhaps, if this trend were more popular, it would increase the chances of both brothers and sisters getting married and of course, increasing one's options. Just a thought. :)

Defining Religiousness

When it comes to marriage, most Muslims know that they need to look for the best in deen (religion). However, everyone's definition of religiousness is completely different.

Some require a husband/wife to read Quran daily and have part or all of it memorised. Others require that the man goes to mosque everyday and women pray tahajjud every night. Some guys even require that a Muslim woman speak/understand Arabic. Then there are people who measure deen based on the number of Islamic conferences attended, books read, or how involved one is in dawah. This is all good but what if your actions do not sink in and do not bring about a positive change?

A very long time back I spoke to a man who claimed he was Hafiz-e-Quran. I was really not expecting my husband to be one but I was definitely impressed by this fact. Initially our conversation was moderated but he later requested to speak with me privately (online). I agreed as I had a lot to ask since it was still in the early stages. Unfortunately, almost immediately, his true character was revealed. He started swearing as part of a casual conversation and this disturbed me a lot. It is one of the things that completely turns me off and I dislike keeping the company of people who swear out of the fear that I'll start it. If that was not enough, he went from suddenly proposing marriage (which caught me off guard since we hardly spoke) to wanting to "beat me" to asking me when we can meet all within 5 mins. SubhanAllah! I didn't even bother responding after that and I was completely flabbergasted. To think a Hafiz-e-Quran had such a poor character was shocking. I know this is probably a rare incident but it led me to redefine religiousness.

Any person who seems outwardly religious but their character doesn't reflect that cannot really be religious. I understand we are not perfect but there's a difference in qualities that can lead to a disastrous marriage and ones that can be worked on. Aggression and aggressive behaviour, I'm afraid, is not one that I will ever take a chance on. There's a difference between anger and aggression. Everyone gets angry and show it in different ways. Maybe they stop communicating with the person or they get into an argument but aggression is when they threaten you, get physical, include emotional taunts to break you, etc. The former can be managed provided the person is willing to change. The latter requires professional help.

Anyway, I digress. Personally for me, the most important things are a man who at least practices the basic faith - regular salah (prayer), fasting in Ramadan, avoids haram (by eating zabiha/halal foods, avoiding interest, guards himself, etc), has the intention of performing hajj (preferably with his wife :D ), gives zakat (if it is fardh on him). Anything above this is awesome. If he is actively seeking knowledge on Islam and making an effort to become a better Muslim by keeping his actions in check then I've found my perfect match. A Muslim man or woman who is oblivious to their defects in religion isn't really going to do much to change so insight is extremely important when it comes to religion. As far as having a difficult time changing, that can be managed because everyone needs motivation from time to time.

Do Looks Really Matter?

I think this is one of the first things if not the absolute first things that people consider in marriage. Somehow more so guys than girls or maybe my viewpoint is based mostly from what I've noticed among the Desi (Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi) culture. Or maybe because I haven't spent time reading too many girls' profiles or girls tend not to talk about looks even if they desire a good-looking husband. I don't want to imply that it's wrong to want someone you are attracted to, infact, it is important to at least feel some attraction. What I dislike is when people tend to give it more importance than anything else or it is their sole consideration.

It seems like some people are obsessed about looks and that's all they can see/talk about. They don't care about your religious values or to ask about anything else. They can only talk about pictures, meeting you in person, or describe how pretty they think you are, etc. Sometimes they are easy to spot because their profile includes words like "pretty, beautiful, fair, slim" and it concerns me to talk to them because I'm not sure if this is the sole reason they contacted me. And when I talk of other things, it comes across as though they've never thought about it as their response is rather vague.

I once read a sad debate among Muslim guys on a popular Muslim blog about how "ugly women" have the least chance of getting married because women are more in number therefore even "ugly men" can find a beautiful wife simply because of the ratio. Seems like they are looking for "trophy wives". SubhanAllah. I wonder how many women will marry a man with such thinking.

Didn't the prophet (pbuh)'s hadith talk of marrying a woman for her religion? And a similar hadith telling fathers to marry their daughters to a man who is good in character and takes care of his religion? A beautiful person will be pleasing to the eyes as long as they do not offend you. I believe a good character is most pleasing to the heart and most essential for a happy marriage and that remains my key point in my search.

Religiousness & Character

With all the hadith which talk about the importance of deen and character, there should be no doubt how important a role faith plays in a healthy marital relation. If he fears Allah (swt) then he will treat you right. If she fears Allah (swt), she will respect you. And they will love each other for the sake of Allah (swt). Therefor, it becomes extremely important for one to use this as their basic criteria for choosing a spouse.

"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:`The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.' ( Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)

However, the difficulty here is that as the ummah grows, so do the divisions. With such varied opinions, how does one find a person who follows their belief system? Does one sacrifice deen in the process? For me, this is not an option and neither is asking/forcing someone to change his opinions for me. If I find that our opinions do not match, I don't see the point in developing the relationship into marriage. Such differences of opinion can, in the long run, lead to marital discord and displeasure with each other. Either the couple discuss a compromise beforehand or separate and continue their search for the right one.

There's one problem I've faced when it came to differences in opinion. After agreeing that we can't compromise, a few of the men continued to criticize my opinion. I'm not sure what they were hoping for? Maybe they thought needed to get in the last word or believed they could argue with me into changing my beliefs and accepting theirs. In most cases, the argument was not even related to something that is fard. Or maybe it was in their minds simply because they had an idea of what they wanted and expected someone to comply with their requests. I may come off as hard-headed here, but it's not a matter of being stubborn. Just a matter of what you think is best for you. I don't see the point in a marriage where one person is expected to compromise and bend backwards to please another who doesn't make any such effort. I don't expect my husband to change for me except by his will and will not force my opinions on him which is why I've been trying to look for someone who's compatible and comfortable with my faith. I am just expecting the same from my husband. To accept me the way I am and appreciate me for it.


If you decide in your meetings with a prospective spouse that you have extremely different opinions on matters that are utmost important to you, why should you go into an argument over it? End the conversation with pleasantries and get on with your lives. Whenever I come across such people, and thankfully it's only been a handful, I've just said alhumdulillah. If this is their behaviour before marriage, it's a good insight into what's to come afterwards.

There's a beautiful hadith that comes to mind that I shall end on:

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.''

[Abu Dawud]

Criterias Criterias!

If you are one of those people who has been trying to get married then you have either come across a long list of criterias or thought up your own list of wants and desires in your prospective spouse. However, if you are one of those "open-minded" people who have no such list, you may either not be ready to get marriage, not really sure of what you are looking for or not really aware of your criterias. That may be a rather bold statement to make but it's certainly not meant to be offensive. Many people may not even realize that they do have some idea of what they want. They just haven't figured it out yet.

This brings us to the question - are all these qualities and criterias essential? After all, no one is really perfect. However, I feel that to a certain extent criterias are really helpful. It's very important to have some idea of what you would want in your spouse. After all, this is someone you are planning to spend your whole life with which makes it all the more important to choose carefully. Looking at the current divorce rates among Muslims in various countries, it becomes all the more important to look for the right things. Key word here bring - right. I, too, have my own list of qualities that I'm looking for which I will cover in separate posts, inshaAllah.

The problem with these criterias, however, is people tend to go overboard sometimes and possibly look for things that will not matter in the long run. But how does one know what to look for and what to choose? The way I see it. A person that may be right for me may not be right for someone else and vice versa. And in order to understand what to look for, one must understand themselves first.

For eg, a quiet man may want to marry a girl who is more talkative because he prefers to listen. However, a talkative girl may want to find a man who is also talkative because she prefers to have a partner who she can have a good conversation with rather than someone who responds with one word. There's really no right or wrong here. It's just a matter of understanding yourself in order to understand what you want and how important it is to you.