Polygamy & Religiousness?

Polygamy is one of the most sensitive topics among Muslims. It is especially a matter of debate among the brothers and sisters and unfortunately, usually leads to brothers and sisters getting into an argument and passing rude comments.

I remember coming across an unfortunate video by a brother commenting about a Muslima sister and how she was a "bad Muslim" because she had her video on youtube (mind you, this was a hijabi Muslima talking about Islam). He mentioned a way to check the religiousness of a sister is to ask her if she would be willing to be in a polygamous marriage. Firstly, I'm not sure why this brother was even watching a video by a Muslima if he felt so strongly about it's wrongness. Secondly, to ridicule her via a video tells me a lot about his own religiousness. Thirdly, I don't see the connection between willingness to be in a polygamous marriage and being a good Muslim. No Muslim can comment on the religiousness of another as only Allah (swt) is aware of what is in His servant's heart.

Agreed, polygamy is allowed in Islam and is optional which means it is NOT compulsory upon every Muslim. Secondly and most importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility & trial not only upon the man but also the wives involved which gives the women a right to choose to participate in it. Strangely enough, I find that most brothers, who are pushing for polygamy and making generalizations about the deen of a woman, are unmarried. I do not see how a brother can completely comprehend the responsibility of having even one wife let alone 2, 3 or 4, without ever being married. Not only that, some knowing that they cannot afford to have so many wives, announce proudly how their wives should live like paupers in order to make this easy on them. I'm sorry but I feel the brothers have completely missed the point of marriage. If a husband cannot support/be equal to more than one wife, then he should limit himself to one as stipulated in the Holy Quran (surah Nisa, ayah 3).

Since this is a huge topic into which I will not delve, I found an interesting article on the matter which anyone interested can read here.

With that said, I do commend all the brothers and sisters who are able to be just and patient with their spouses, irrespective of whether they are in a polygamous relationship or not.


Sorry just had to add a pic to lighten the mood. :P

A Few Questions For My Readers

As salaam walaikum all,

I've been wondering what people think of when they think about their married life. How do they picture it? Do guys picture things differently from the way girls do or is there a common ground that we don't realize? So, it would be great if you can help me (and possibly others) understand this by answering a few questions.

1. Besides the basics - looks, deen, financial stability, etc what are the qualities that you really look for or hope to find in your spouse?

2. If you could picture a day in your life, 5 yrs after marriage, what would you hope it would be like?

3. What do you think you'd bring to the relationship?

4. What would you be willing to sacrifice for the sake of marriage and your spouse?

I understand some of the questions may be personal so feel free to post anonymously but please keep it clean. :)

Disturbing Set-Ups

Have you ever been set up by a "friend" or a family member except the people didn't have your best interests at heart? I have. Thankfully just a few times.

I didn't ask these people to try to find someone for me to marry because I don't trust their choices. A couple of them aren't what I would consider really good or practicing Muslims. One seemed to be intelligent but on inquiring about the person I realized it didn't matter what the guy was like just as long as I wasn't being choosy. It's the concept of just get married even if it's a miserable life because you aren't worth anything without a marriage. And the person got offended that I refused to talk to the guy. That itself told me this person doesn't care about me. None of these people are my parents. Infact, I would have been happy if my parents would have found the person but they left the decision upto me as long as he meets a few of their criteria. Alhumdulillah. I refused to discuss the matter with 2 such people and the others my parents ignored their suggestions because they knew what the people were like.

I dislike how insincere people are and they try to force you into accepting their insincere gestures and hope the worst for you. It would be better if such people don't bother helping me and let me make the decisions since my parents have given me that freedom.

PS: This isn't meant to be a rant, just a distasteful experience.

The Age Factor

Although not a problem for most Muslims getting married, it is a problem for some Muslim brothers and sisters. It's interesting to see that brothers and sisters face difficulties in getting married when they are at different "extremes" of age. Most brothers find it harder to get married when they are younger (18 - 21) whereas most sisters find it harder to get married as they approach the big 30s!

Who decides what is a good age to get married at? Primarily, it's our family, our society and our culture. But at times, we are the ones creating problems for our own brothers and sisters.

For the younger brothers, the problem lies in 2 specific matters. First, the issue of maturity (or lack of it in some cases which is subjective) as sisters of the same age or older do not seem to find it matches to their level. Second, the issue of being able to be responsible for a family. Every father wants that his daughter should be looked after properly by their husband and the way this is seen is by contemplating upon the education one has or the job one is pursuing. Many sisters may or may not willingly agree to this.

Pic taken from here.
For older sisters, the issue becomes of beauty. It is extremely obvious that brothers are looking for an attractive spouse and so most older brothers naturally look for it in much younger sisters ignoring the sisters who are of their own age group. This leads to the rise in the number of sisters who are older and single. And because the younger sisters tend to marry much older brothers for their maturity and jobs, the brothers of their ages find it harder to get married. This has lead to a new trend among Muslims (although not so popular as yet) of younger brothers preferring to marry older sisters for their patience and, perhaps, independence, giving them time to stand up on their own feet.

Although we talk about the marriage of Prophet Muhammad (saw) to Khadija (ra) and how it is acceptable for a younger guy to marry an older lady, we rarely choose to apply this to ourselves and give ourselves and the potential spouses, who are slightly outside our age range, a chance to get to know for marriage. Perhaps, if this trend were more popular, it would increase the chances of both brothers and sisters getting married and of course, increasing one's options. Just a thought. :)

Reading Between The Lines

This is just a funny conversation that happened between me and my friend. Sometimes when people write about themselves in profiles, it's not so clear what they are looking for. So, to avoid reading too much into something, I look for a second opinion and this is one such case where I asked a friend for her opinion and it made me laugh.

Me: What does this mean? "Someone who is not looking to compete with her spouse but who wants to facilitate a family oriented lifestyle. Someone who values making her life and her husband's life easier."

Friend: i think it means someone who wants to work with their spouse to provide a better life for them both

Me: *thinking*

Friend: by sitting at home and making the house comfy for him

Me: LOL

Friend: i think this person secretly wants a pretty slave but is making it sound better

Me: haha

Hope no one takes her seriously though. And I have taken her permission before posting this. But I too, found the wording a bit strange and felt the person should've been a bit more clear.