Reflections

When one is looking to get married, it's so easy to get lost into thoughts about what we want and what we do not. But it is also extremely essential that we think about what we can give to our other half, our better half, and try to start improving ourselves even before we find them. This way when we do find them, we are ready to give our best to the marriage.

For a while now, I've been reading articles, listening to webinars/seminars and Islamic books on marriage. Sometimes, things take a while to sink in and other times they sink in but take a while to be accepted and put into action. So, I've decided to put a conscious effort into making changes to be a better person, a better Muslim and inshaAllah, a better future wife. :)

And Valentine's day is here! Nope, I do not celebrate, but I thought it's a perfect topic for the supposed "season of love" or rather a season for a boom in businesses selling all things red, gold and diamond. :P

Shocking

I was reading some comments on a website of girls and their experience in spouse hunting. One had written about asking questions, among which you don't simply ask if they've been with girls, but you also ask about guys. She said she's saying this based on her own experience. And it was shocking!

Generally, I don't delve into such details of the past but she really worried me. The last thing a guy who has homosexual feelings and relationships should do is consider marrying a girl to rid himself of those feelings. It's not something that having a wife can fix. Neither is it fair to the wife nor himself.

I have known situations where guys who claimed to be homosexual ended up being forced to marry a "beautiful" girl to "fix" him. But it never came to mind when searching for a spouse for myself until now. May Allah (swt) save us from such situations when looking for honest and good Muslim spouses to fulfill half their deen. Ameen.

Comments

As salaam walaikum,

For some reason I didn't get an email notification of a couple of comments but noticed they required moderation on the blog site. Generally I publish all comments unless they are meant to be read only by me or they are unrelated to any of the content on my blog. Alhumdulillah, so far I haven't got any rude comments which is great because it's a tough world to please and people don't always agree with what you say or do.

There are a few pros and cons to keeping comments moderated versus unmoderated. The cons specifically are that I don't always get to read and publish comments the same day and because of that most of you don't get to interact and respond to each others thoughts.

InshaAllah, I'll try to be quicker especially when I have made a new post. Do let me know if I have accidentally missed publishing your comments.

Religious But Not So Educated

When a parent looks for a spouse for their child, they expect to find one who is well educated (if the family is Desi that means Doctor, Engineer and such). Most guys looking to get married also look for a girl who is educated. What about those who are religious but have only studied till high school?

Girls can get away with a low level education to some extent as they'll simply get married and run the household. For guys, especially in this day and age, it can be extremely hard because they are the breadwinners and parents translate education into a secure and happy married life. They aren't completely wrong. So many family problems arise because of the issue of money. It's not unreasonable to think that a man with a good job will be able to take better care of his family than one who is just getting by. It feels unfair to the guys who are good Muslims though.

Lies & Deception

Many times, in order to present themselves as more attractive, people tend to lie about themselves to get married. This is probably the worst thing one can do in order to find a spouse.

Firstly, it's unIslamic and it's worse if you feel no guilt doing it. Secondly, it may get you married but what about when the lie comes out and you find yourself in the situation of a divorce? Thirdly, what exactly were you thinking?!

People who need to lie to get married, should probably not think about marriage. Would they want to marry someone who lies to them about who they are? Also, they need to think about what they'll achieve by lying. Usually, it's just a path to make themselves and their spouses miserable.

I've caught a couple of lies. One was the situation where I made istikhara and after a while I got to know the real person. The worst thing about that person was he defended his lies. Another time, I came across someone's profile who I know as an acquaintance and had lied on their profile. That's when it hit me that people lie on their profiles. It can be about their age, height, their residency status, their marital status and pretty much anything that can increase their chances of marriage. Some kinds of deception include simply presenting a different picture of themselves and pretending to be someone they are not just to make themselves seem more attractive. I understand that everyone wants to make themselves seem to be a good person but lying about things that are in no way true or exaggerating things unrealistically is not the way to go about it.

Before you fix anything or make ANY kind of decision, you SHOULD meet the person you like. Make sure the meeting includes the family and even friends if necessary. If the person hangs around with bad people, it's quite possible they aren't very good themselves. Ask a lot of questions because it'll help you get to know the person and their thinking.

I've heard of people going as far as hiring detectives to follow the person and I'm not quite sure about how useful that is. People are known to put up appearances in public. It can also be offensive to a person if they are genuine. I guess one should use that only in situations where they fear things are fishy or too good to be true and something is missing. If you have a gut feeling about something not being right, keep talking to the person till you feel better about it.

ALWAYS pray istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to help you make the right decision and move away if the person is not right for you. He (swt) is the only one who can reveal to you what no one else can possibly know, including the family.

Communication Blues

(Yes, this post will be an end to the drought on my blog. For how long, I have no clue. Read on...)

Have you ever communicated with someone and tried to figure out what the are really trying to say? I tend to do that a lot. Because most people don't come out and say what they really mean. They tend to put things mildly or even be vague. Probably the worst thing they can do is try to avoid the question itself. It certainly doesn't help ease my mind about them. On the contrary, I feel more apprehensive about a person who hides things from me.

Then there are others who get stuck on one thing you've said and criticize or make fun of it (O.o oh yes, THAT'S going to impress me). I understand that two people may not always see eye to eye on every topic but there is a way to discuss these matters without offending the other person. It doesn't help when one person criticizes, realizes that it was offensive and then defends their actions or says they were joking. It happened to me recently. I was explaining what I am looking for (which were pretty much the qualities of a good Muslim and no physical aspects of a person) and I was criticized. That confused me. First, the guy went into defensive mode, saying this and that is why he said what he did even though I simply explained that these are qualities of a good Muslim and he accepted it. Then he immediately switched tracks saying he was simply joking. I felt I couldn't really live with someone I cannot even communicate with about simple things and had to end the conversation. At which point, he got offended because it was hurtful of me to want to end the matter there. Funny thing about that was that even though we politely bid each other farewell and luck, a minute later he picked up where we left off and continued to argue about what he said and my decision. The whole thing was so silly and a waste of time. All I could think of was to ignore him. I guess he was one of those guys who needed to have the last word.

When 2 people have an issue over the basic of things, it's better to leave matters and not get into an argument about it. Or at least that's my reasoning. Today, you may accept the difference but the problem will not go away after marriage. You'll still be holding onto the same ideals you did before marriage and when those ideals collide, it'll lead to arguments between the husband and wife. Either both are able to understand each other and come to a compromise or it's better to separate peacefully. But these kinds of things should be discussed prior to marriage so that it doesn't lead to any misunderstandings afterwards.

No Time!

In case you all have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, the simple answer is, I have no time. Or perhaps I'm an extremely bad planner.

I was thinking about my plan for this year and I have no time to hunt for a spouse and if by some miracle I find him, I have no time to get married. How unfortunate is that? The only way I can get everything I want done is to prioritize one thing over the other, delay a few things and such. But how much time do I set aside to look for a potential spouse? Some people say that you can look all you want but it'll happen when it's meant to happen and others say that you need to tie your camel if you want Allah (swt) to make things happen for you. Aren't these the exact opposite?

Also, looking for a husband/wife is not like going to a market, picking out who you like and bringing them back home with you. You may like someone and they may not like you or someone is interested in you but you aren't so interested in them for whatever reason. The entire process is time consuming. It's not that I don't want to get married right now but do I really put the rest of my life on hold because of it? Since, I haven't really had the time to look for someone, I didn't have anything to blog about. :P

I think perhaps I need to buy me Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef's time traveler package. But is it me or does that sound damn expensive? :(